Silent Suffocation

I am frustrated with all the little things that is happening so far. Contented I should be, but I feel like I want to drive a screwdriver through someone's skull at this point in time. Most of all, I'm frustrated at myself. I feel like such a loser at times. I am angry, but I do not see where the anger comes from. Deep within my heart, where a chasm filled with hatred, anger and frustration is growing bigger and bigger until one day it shall consume me whole. Is it because I'm living in a world so full of restraints, built on nothing but lies? They tell you to be an individual but yet when you try so hard to be an "individual" you end up looking like everyone else. Where has your individuality gone? Once you try to do something different, others view you as a freak of nature. Why? Cause you don't fit into the norm of society. The society determines what is "right" and "wrong". Once you breach the normality of the society, you've entered "FREAK" mode. Just a day ago, I had a discussion with Mother and she has obviously been brain-washed inside out. Don't get me wrong, I love her but at times I feel as if I have been suffocated for so long due to my utmost respect for her. Her mentality and perception on being "decent" is so stereotypical of the society. No tattoos, no piercings, be Lady-like blah blah blah.

I'm sorry but I am not your average girl if you haven't noticed. I never was and never will be. I can if I pretend but where is the originality to that? You live to other people's expectations and where do you end up? Unsatisfied, filled with hatred for oneself.

What's even worse, when you try not to care about what other's think of you, they come and hammer it into your face. An example, I know I'm fat cause I don't exercise nor am on any diet regime what-so-ever and then BAM. Someone says to you "You've put on weight didn't you?". For crying out loud. I don't judge you by how you look, will you just fuck off? Why? If I'm fat, what does it matter? Fat people can't be nice or friendly or be normal? FACE IT. I WILL ALWAYS BE A LITTLE BIT ON THE FAT SIDE. DEAL WITH IT. I don't want to be the girl I was 4 years ago, anorexic because I tried to live to other people's expectations. Guess what. You want to think I'm fat and not be friends because of that. Fine. Fuck off. Your friendship means nothing to me if you're that pathetic to think that a person's personal development is based on their outward appearance. Yes. Everyone is shallow to a certain extent, but please don't judge me by how I look. You're no better. Talk to me when you are voted one of the most beautiful people in the world. Then you have the right to snobbishly mock me. Even then, no one's perfect.

So how dare you make such a shallow comment when you're not perfect.

Don't get me wrong. Being absolutely truthful is good but some things are better left unheard. Keep it to yourself for fuck's sake. Maybe when I asked for it, then it's my own consequence to bear. If not, your thoughts are worthless and what's worse, it's hurtful to others. And, oh what I hate most is when you're all talk and no action comes out of what you say. Such lies. Not even an initiative to help when someone's in need. Utter Bull.

And oh! Not to mention the occasional MR. OBVIOUS. Don't you just hate them and feel like strangling them with their ties? Look pal, I may be young but I am hell not THAT stupid. Don't you think that I might already know that? I turn to you for Comfort not fucking advice that I've done some time ago. All I need is a shoulder to cry on. And it has been a long time since I've cried on some one's shoulder. Yet again, I get called "immature" cause I long to find someone who will for once listen to my woes and comfort me. Fine. Call me what you want. I really don't give a fuck as to what you perceive me to be. How many 17 year olds do you find doing absolutely everything for themselves? I know many that are still at home and sucking off their parents one way or another. I am not. I feed, wash, dress myself and hold myself quite well thank you. Why is age always a matter? I'm human too you know. I have the right to rant and scream when I want. Just because you handle things discreetly does not make you any more mature than I am. I want to find someone that won't put me down in everthing I do. Silent suffocation.

I admit. I am lonely. What I hate is when people tell me this: "You're so young, you've got a long way to go mate. BLAHHH BLAAAHHHH BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHH" Guess what fuckwit. Spare me the lecture and think about this. I may be young but I HAVE FEELINGS. "So much things to do to keep yourself occupied, so why are you complaining about being single". Hey. Wait a minute. Doing things yourself is fine but absolutely painful when you can't share it. I am 17/18 but I also want to feel loved too.

Here it is. All of my Silent Suffocation.

Sshh..