New Site

Don't know if anyone ever reads this old blog anymore!

However, like I said, a new chapter and if there are readers, I've started up a new blog and back into blogging!!

http://meshachow.blogspot.com

This Time, It is Good-bye

I realised that I could never write a journal but here I am four years later, looking back on this blog. There are so many bad times, and admittedly, good ones as well.

But.

I really want to start a new chapter in life. I am going to be 21 this year. It is time to let go of the past and try to find my own happiness rather than relying on others.

It is sad that I won't be posting on this blog anymore but I will create a new one. A fresh blog without any history. A clean slate.

I guess I will keep this blog, just as a reminder one day when I'm older.

Goodbye, old blog. I will surely miss you but it is time to let go of my ghosts.

Has It Come To This? Again?

How frustrating can it get? I've been screwed over 3 times. Dumped all 3 times.

Well, almost 3 times.

It really makes me wonder though, is there seriously something that wrong with me? Is there something coursing through my veins, my very own DNA, that puts people off being in a relationship with me? Am I really that bad?

Hell.

I seriously wonder what I have left, of a heart.

You told me you love me but you don't ever seem to show it. Well, you do in a way. You care but the way you were in love with me is gone.

I will never forget the times where you loved to hold my hand when we were out. Neither will I forget the times where you always wanted me by your side and never wanted me to leave, even for a moment. Or the times when you told me you loved me. Wait, not only that. You wanted me, you needed me in your life. I was, for a moment in time, the most important person in your life, other than your parents.

I was truly happy. But I was such an idiot to have not recognised it. I'm sorry.

Now, I just long deep down inside for you to be the person you once were when you wrote me a letter, which was a reminder of your love for me.

Where did the love go, my love?
Where did it go?

And what has it made me now?
I'm suffering despite taking anti-depressants. It's suppressing my feelings but no, it is not enough. I wanted something to make me feel happy, even for a moment, where nothing mattered at all.

So, I have resorted to drinking myself to sleep at nights. It was either that or have swollen eyes from crying too much.

A month's break is a long time. Hell, 2 weeks passed by so goddamn slowly. Another 2 weeks to go. I wonder how I'll cope?

I just wanted to say, that I take it all back. I need you now.

And I still love you very much.

I pray to God, that the end of this month, everything will be over and I'll be back in your arms again.

I'm quite an optimist for a pessimist, aren't I?

Somebody

Everyone wants to be somebody.

Even me.

Everyone has a talent.

What is mine?

I have no idea.

Testicle-whacking?

Butt-rapist wannabe?

Still finding it.

Hypocrites Pt. 2

It's funny how people tend to criticize other people of their faults when they themselves have faults of their own and yet they do not want to admit or realize it themselves.

How can a man call another man a hypocrite when he himself is a hypocrite? Thus a paradox is born.

The paradox born of hypocrisy is a viscous cycle.

It never ends as every man is a hypocrite - to himself and everyone around him.

Unless a man who is born perfect, not subjected to hypocrisy, only has the right to point out the flaws of others.

How can you tell someone off and keep telling them off when your life is falling to pieces and yet, still shameless enough to point the finger at others?

How can you blame the failure of your life on others and use them as a scapegoat to vent out the years of dissatisfaction and anger created through your life of misery?

Fine. I may be a hypocrite but seriously, who hasn't been a hypocrite at some point in their life? It is a blatant lie if a man says he is not a hypocrite.

You say that you are learning from us to be more selfish and be more hypocritical towards your actions but I find that funny. For each time you tell me off for doing something now, and you're doing it yourself, you are a hypocrite.

I never had to courage to say this to your face, but maybe someday you will wake up and realise that people have faults and so do you. However, you should not blame others and think that everything you do is 'oh-so-perfect' and is "logical" when really, it isn't. Maybe that is why, most of your marriages have failed and you still can't find the reason why? Perphaps the reason lies within you.

I would be a bad daughter to say that to you. I will never say it to you to your face. But as an observer, that is what I have perceived.

They say respect is earned and takes a lifetime to build and only take seconds to destroy.

I lack respect, but I have come to a point where, I don't think I respect anyone anymore. I do what I am told to save my own hide on my bottom. I endure cause it is out of my own benefit. I never wanted to stand down, but fortunately for you, you own the trump cards and I'm left with a leash that chokes me.

People say I'm an ungrateful person, but dealing with the mental abuse is not worth the hassle to be grateful.

So many times, I wanted to leave. Just leave it all behind but yet I'm just another hypocrite who can't live up to the things I want to do or say. Perphaps I am a failure.

You want to give up for the "amount of shit" we're giving you. But how long have you spent trying to reconcile. You give up at the slightest amount. This statement makes me a hypocrite too, but I have endured through yours.

I hope one day you'll understand and wake up.

Not everything you do is right.