Where's Your Sacrifce?

I sit here pondering about the words you've said
The words so dear, So soothing
I tried to believe all those words
Words which now turn to sweet lies...

Tell me the truth
Don't let me dwell in the dark
Blinded by sweet lullabies
Cheated by your melody of lies
I seek the light

Holding back the pain
All the tears inside
I know that you know
That I love you
I'll give up everything for you
But you stand there and wait for it to fall
Where's the promised sacrifice?

The Witching Hour

It's morning again and I sit here infront of the blaring screen that hypnotises my weary eyes into hours of fantasy. It is nice to catch up with friends on the net but I guess my persistence is growing to addiction. Yes. I'm addicted to the Internet.

I never was a computer person and never actually thought that I'd be sitting here today glued to the computer screen and typing this journal entry. Well, guess this is where life shows how powerful it is and its capability of changing it.

Night time is a world of fanstasies. Man has made up many great stories of the night. Mostly where evil lurks and demons roam free. To me, it has an air of great mystery and silence. It is also the time I like best - to sleep. It's actually bad for my health that I am to sleep at such late hours. It is where the skin repairs and renew itself. That's probably why I have such bad skin.

A pic taken of me sleeping at the beginning of the year

.:: Andy Warhol's Exhibition in Brisbane::.

I have just recently found out that Andy Warhol's works is coming to Brisbane. To those who does not know who Andy Warhol is, he is a famous artist responsible for the movement of Pop Art culture. I don't really know much about the movement of art thanks to Malaysia's lack to art educators about the world. I mean we do know about that famous artworks like the Mona Lisa by Leonardo Da Vinci and David by Michaelangelo. But we still lack the knowledge of the other cultures that influenced art. I
have only recently learned of Warhol's existence thanks to my education in Australia.

Self-Portrait 1966-1967
Acrylic and silkscreen ink on linen
55.9 x 55.9 cm
(Source: Queensland Art Gallery)

I really like some of his works and am now trying to figure out how to get there. Brisbane is an hours drive away from the Sunshine Coast. Maybe the train? There's a bus from Scholars Drive to Landsbrough Station and a train down straight to the Queensland Art Gallery & GOMA. All I need now is company. Argggh..*disgusted at myself for having no close friends* Well I still have a week to think of it. (Ben perphaps? If he's interested in Pop Art..he he he)

The exhibtion starts on the 8th of December and ends on 30th March 2008.. Still have a fair amount of time to decide but December's the best as I no friggin' thing to do after school. Here's an example of Warhol's famous piece of Marilyn Monroe.

Marilyn Monroe

(Source:http://www.allposters.com/-sp/Marilyn-Monroe-Orange-Posters_i382978_.htm)

+Solitude+

Solitude - is it my curse? For years I have pondered on the thoughts that I was just a normal kid living a normal life. Perphaps not. Being an only child to my mother who was a single mum, I learned to be selfish, only thinking of myself. Another factor contributing to my selfishness is my grandparents. I don't blame them but their love and undivided attention to me, as I was their only grandchild living with them (my cousins are all the the United States), they spoiled me to the limits. I was this fat (literally) spoiled brat who couldn't do anything for myself, knowing that my grandmother will always rush to my aid. I look back..ashamed.

My mother worked as a flight attendent to support herself and me and this job required some time away from home. I only got to see her during her time off, which she spent recovering from the long hall flights. She'd bring gifts of exotic foods and presents from places in which she'd been. With all those presents, they act as a replacement of quality time. Yet again, I cannot blame her for she needed to survive. We needed to survive.

As I reminisce about my past, I remember drawing. I seek a refuge for the lonely world and my drawings become my fantasy. I drew imaginary friends and things that I would do with them.

That's why when people ask how my drawing has become what it is today, I would say that

"Practice Makes Perfect"

Until today, whenever the world becomes to harsh for me to bear, I pull out a piece of paper and draw. I draw and I draw and draw till I draw no more.

I'm by nature a rather quiet person. Some of my friends think that I'm a chatterbox. That's when I try too hard to fit in and just keep on chatting till my true nature disappears. Isn't that what they want? A party goer? One that brings up issues and laughs and make the atmosphere seem lively? People are so shallow into the real life. Some can't accept me for who I am. This doesn't only apply to me but to the other people of the world who are rejected based on their clothing or possessions. Maybe we're not like you. We're just normal people who just wants to seek true friendship.

So there it is. My lies. I've said all that you want to hear but yet you cannot hear me screaming to this day. To think of it, I have no true friends- those that holds and cherish you even through thick and thin. We were close at times but not always. I just want someone to actually care and think of me and not just pop up and call me whenever they are short of someone. A replacement. Great. Just GREAT.

My mother has been telling me for years that you cannot live alone. I strived to prove her wrong. I thought that one can live without the help of others. Independently. I now admit that I'm wrong. Inside now I know truly know that without the comfort of the friendship of others, I cannot survive. I'm so sad on the inside but now I put on a mask with a smile set intact so that no one knows that I'm crying on the inside. Will someone rescue me? Will someone ever say that I've made an impact on their lives and will always be there for me?

I long to know the answer

25th November 2007

Awoken by Mum whilst she burst into my room screaming, “Why aren’t you up yet? You know you’re suppose to go to the meeting today and still sleeping in? Tsk tsk..” I dreamily looked up to her and in response I said that I did set my alarm on my mobile phone. The phone has given me troubles before and it was annoying. Thankfully this only happened once during my school days. I was late as usual and getting ready quickly in the morning wasn’t what I expected, especially on a Sunday.

The Circuit Overseer (CO) had a special speech and therefore the attendance at the Kingdom Hall was higher than usual. I ashamedly thought about Maxime and him leaving throughout the meeting and missing his French- Asian jokes and how I was going to be so late. Looking back now, it is a shameful habit of being selfish.

The meeting was also a bit longer than usual and me being a person that likes to be on time was fretting about being late to Max’s farewell gathering. I (once again, ashamedly) rushed mum to leave and head home. Had a quick change into shorts and grabbed towel and sunscreen. Max, Sarah, Meisha, Michael and Angie were already there and they were snacking away on hot chips. Nothing really happened in Mooloolaba Beach. To me it was just an ordinary day with people flocking there to tan as it was a rather sunny day. Angie and Meisha left early and we were then joined by Sam and Janelle. I realized that it wasn’t the group that I hung out anymore and pondered on leaving. It’s frustrating as it is hard to describe how I feel. Have you ever felt that you’re in a group that you don’t belong in? No matter how much you try you just don’t fit? That’s how I felt. Leaving was a coward’s choice but I was in no mood to entertain myself in a group. I’d rather entertain myself alone. So there. I said my farewell to Maxime.

Then, there I was enjoying the lonely walk to Loo With The View. It’s amazing how much more you observe when you’re alone. I decided to pamper myself and went to the movies. Ben reminded me of Lauren – she’s a strong believer in the Truth and she doesn’t watch anything affiliated with supernatural themes or “demonic” movies. Surprisingly for a Non-Witness, Ben believes in the same thing. It really opened my eyes towards what was really going on the in the world. Not all are bad –just misguided. I admired their persistence.

Left to Right: Michael, Angela and Maxime

I was going through my own demons- I felt so frustrated of being lonely, having no friends here. One may say that I’m ungrateful but no I am with my situation, just that I have no one to really share time with.

It is so hard resisting the movies that I grew up with – horror movies. Instead, following Ben’s and Lauren’s example, I chose a movie non-affiliated with supernatural movie, Lost In The Wild. It turned out to be a story about a young man trying to find happiness in the wild rather than the materialistic dreams of the modern world. It is based on a true story which really amazes me. The moral of the story was “Happiness can only be found when shared”.

I always thought that I could make it alone –without any friends. With just that sentence it made me realize that I do need people or just someone to rely on and share problems with.

A Full Day

Second time helping Ben again. It may seem odd but yes I do like helping people. There are times when I don't like helping people but then you realise in life that you have to give back to society. This is what I'm doing now, helping others. It's much easier though when everything is finished, meaning school's over. It is also strange when you've spent 12 years of your life in school, slaving away to homework. My 2 years in Mountain Creek has certainly changed my life - anti social...

He picked me up at 12pm and we headed to the Woolies in Chancellor Park. Ran in and got some fruit - Plums and White Peaches. Being a healthy and fit person, we had healthy snacks too..Roasted Nuts! It contained chick pea, almond and horsenut. The queue for the cashier was HUGE!! Ben seemed rushed and handed me $30 to pay for the snacks whilst he ran over to Subway for the sandwiches. I personally started disliking Subway cause Mum and I bought so much Subway when we first got here. It is nice once in a while.

When we arrived at the gym, we had some moving around and setting up to do. I won't go into details but having seen an adult work makes me realise that I do actually miss school. At 3pm, his family and friends arrived. It was funny to see Ben nervous and it is SO easy to spot him thinking away. He's like me. He goes all silent and his eyes would move around.

I was the photographer for the day (embarassingly..I wonder what he thought of my other photos of the Kick-boxing? Actually..no hold that thought. I don't want to know what he thought of those photos!!) The lighting in the room had suffice light and the photos turned out better. Phew..I had a sigh of relief. Ben had games installed for his family and friends and it was nice to observe his enthusiasm for training others and making it fun so that people would get encouraged to work out.

After all of that, food was being served and certificates of appreciation was handed out. Ben's mother seemed really nice and she'd smile all the time. Lol. She was very "friendly" too. I don't mean it in a bad way but she gave me her home phone number and also her personal mobile phone number, even though I barely knew her. Ben's dad looked fiercer and I was pretty scared of him as he had the typically Chinese look. After that, I helped clear things out and back to my place. Ben couldn't thank me enough but it feels as if I owed it to him for the bad photos I took. But it is also nice to see someone to have a grin on their face from appreciation. We planned to do something later and maybe watch a movie.

Mum called me and asked me whether I wanted to go for dinner. I hesitated a bit as wanted to watch a movie with Ben. Fortunately, I had to shower and mum couldn't wait and left as their booking was for 7pm. I was home alone so I decided to ring Ben and say that I was free in the evening.

We decided to watch The Heartbreak Kid with Ben Stiller in it. It was good though I did not expect to see so much sex scences in it. I am rather open, but it did feel weird with a male friend next to you. It reminds me of a saying, "Love makes us blind but marriage is the eye opener."

When I think about life, it's sad. I like to spend it with someone but I have always been alone. I keep complaining and I know that I do that alot but hey! It's a blog isn't it? Guess that's where all my frustration and anger goes.

On the journey home from the plaza, we kept teasing each other about what each other was thinking. I could not tell him the real truth though. I had feelings for him but I could not let it out. It's like unvented anger. You want to unleashed but you can't in fear of repulsing them. I'm hopeless and I know it.

Kick-Boxing

Interestingly Ben asked me to take photos during his kick-boxing training. Very flattering. The fact that I'm hopeless at taking photography is ironic. My Olympus FFE220 is hopeless as it is great for taking stills but not for fast moving action sports like kick-boxing. Even with the mode set to "Sports" doesn't help as it still had blurry bits to the photographs where movement has taken place.

Left to Right: Fight in the Ring and Just posing for the Camera

The smell of sweat from hard work and perspiration reminds me of the time I trained for Jujitsu. The air is dense with the sound of kicking and punching. I brought my friend, Alice along, though I think she was bored to death as it was my job to take the photographs and not hers. She was frightened by the punching and the kicking and I actually found that rather amusing.

I felt excited and rather nervous due to the fact that I was expected to be a good photographer. I'm always worried about what other people may think of me and judge me though in the real world, no one really cares. Most importantly is getting the job done with professionalism.

Some how....

Mother. She is the one that seems over-protective at times..especially when I'm trying to meet new friends that are male. I do agree on her basis though I think I'm more likely to scare them off with my mum's hawking talent. She'd dig the information out of me, though I'd prep her before I leave the house. She'd also write down the number of my fellow friend and keep it, "Just in case.."

After the kick-boxing training, I got a lift from Ben and back to my place. I had to run upstairs and edit the photos. Due to the lighting in the studio, I had to use flash in order for it to be clear but it meant darker photos. Thankfully, my printer had an editing software that allowed me to play around with the lighting and contrast editing. Pheww..things seemed clearer and a bit more beautiful.

I had a quick dinner and had another lift back to Ben's place to upload the photos on to his computer. OMG...I did NOT want to see his reaction to the photos..Mum reckoned it was so blurry too... I wanted to hide my head in a hole and not look up for the world to see. Guess people have to start somewhere and learn from their mistakes. Grateful to Ben for this opportunity. (Still want to hide my head in a hole!) Go ahead! Laugh! These photos are for the world to see.

~ Photography~

So..I am jealous that my friend, Tessa Mansell and Boey Wei-Jan has good photography skills. So throughout the year, I tried some of my own with just a normal digital camera. Nothing really artistic but just to capture the moment. I also do editing with a program that I have on my computer which is really good for profile photographs. I wish I had Adobe Photoshop which is a very good program but then it's so expensive. I will have to make due with what I have now.

My digital camera is the Olympus FE220. It has a 2.5 inch wide screen..not too shabby for the price I paid.

Nevertheless I captured some wonderful images that I'm proud of. The first series I'm showing was displayed for my art exhibition in early November. I took these photographs during the Coolum Kite Festival. They have flame throwers and I decided to take it. Without the flash I was able to capture it, but it also meant that it had a longer exposure and lead to this. I don't usually put a tag, but then it feels like a must now.

Look at it Spin!!!

This is my favourite piece. It shows the movement of the flames and its intricate designs are simply captivating.

This piece wasn't displayed in my art exhibition as it wasn't exciting enough. Nontheless, breathless...

I also enjoy this piece, it has the movement of the flame throwers and the movement of the fire. Well covered and it doesn't have a focused focus point. Breath taking.

The next few pieces are from my Adelaide to Melbourne tour. In Adelaide, they have these stunning architecture which I enjoyed taking in black and white. Along the Great Ocean Rd, we stopped along a waterfall and the brightness of the waterfall was surprising as it was passed sunset. Not to forget, my favourite piece - Beware of golfers (s)hitting over road

Stranger in the woods

~Chicken Little ~

I don't know if everyone knows the story but a chicken ended up on the roof, left there for eternity to show the direction of the blowing wind.

Waterfall


My favourite photo! I wonder why...

Another Gathering!

The very next day after my graduation, there's this gathering near where I live in Chancellor Park. However, where we were suppose to meet was rather unclear. We spent 1/2 hour walking round to Varsity Court..When it could have been 10 minutes...But it was nice walking and talking to Alice and eventually making our way there. I was wearing black too and the glaring sun was my enemy.

At the entrance, Yuliana, an Indonesian Chinese woman of 32, stood awaiting our arrival. Varsity Court was where my other Chinese school friends used to live and it brought back some memories. We were met by other Asians that I have seen before and also Ine, a Nigerian girl which I later spent my time chattering to.

Left to Right: Jap guy (How embarassing! I can't remember his name!), Tony, Jeffrey, Me, Alice, Chinese girl from China (also don't know her name!), Maya and Ine

Ine, Me and Kanako (This is not my best pic either!)

There were new people like Michael, a Chinese born in New Zealand, Gloria - another Indo-Chinese, Kanako- a Japanese woman of 21 (I thought she was 18!), BenJ (Malaysian mixed New Zealander) and his cousin Saffron (isn't that a spice?) and others too.

Yuliana and Ben Tan (It's funny how eurasians have the surname Tan..haha like Shaun Tan)

Me and Gloria and unexpectedly Kwan..or is it Huang..no idea

I finally found my way of socializing and actually meeting new people, which is good for my social health. I lacked those connections and know I'm trying to expand them the best way I can. I'm actually proud of myself to have friends scattered in Europe - Germany, Italy and Estonia and of course Malaysia.

I realised that real friends are hard to find. Some we meet, say hello and goodbye, never to be heard from again. I cherish those that keep in good contact like Michelle Kong. We still keep in contact despite the distance. Katharina and Siiri hasn't left me a message yet and it is a bit disappointing. I also miss the company of Stefano whom brings some warmth into my cold life. Not to forget Enrique - the crazy Mexicano..

~Mi Mancherai~

MCSHS Graduate of 2007!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Party Time!! ~woot~

Yay!! That's what you may expect to hear from graduates of high school. No more uniform. No more bloody teachers. Even if it's only for a few months before you encounter them in university again.

However, we may think that it is all fun and joy leaving school to get freedom. But now as a graduate from high school, I feel as if something is missing in my life. All this years, we have been getting used to the fact that we have to wake up, get ready and head for school. Now, it's a different story. I wake up and ponder, thinking what to do with my days. Moving and selling stuff....exciting..NOT! No schoolies for me..no getting drunk and rape..haha well now that's a bad joke about schoolies..The reality is the schoolies is where graduates go and celebrate their first step into adulthood. But of course, there's alcohol and sex along the way, especially in Australia. The government has been supplying the locals with condoms.....

Anyways, enough of that talk. I want to record my final moments in Mountain Creek State High School. A few days before the graduating day, I went to the plaza to get my nails done..Yup, not just your average manicure, but the full French acrylic manicure. This IS a sign that mum is letting me out into the real world. But this is days before the grad. Let's take a look at my day routine for that day shall we?

My acrylic French Manicure! For once I have clean white finger tips!

16th November 2007:

7.30 am : Ceremony Practice

10.00 am: Official Ceremony Starts

11:00 am: Guard of Honour (Where all the Year 8's, 9's, 10's and 11's line up along the entrance to the hall and clap and cheer as we exit the school grounds

11.15 am: Mooloolaba Beach Dip

Look at all the Mountain Creekers! According to the newspaper the following afternoon, we resemble lemmings..I wonder how we are related...



Me on the right and my friend, Vicki on the left. We were soaked but it was pure bliss from the hot sun and it was enjoyable!

12:30 pm: Hairdo appointment (I opted for a curly with straight bits. In the process of styling my hair, I realised that I did look good with curly hair..I plan to perm my hair one day!)

4:15 pm: Getting ready for Casino Royale 2007

Me getting into a limo (Mind you! It's not an extended limo) I was the only one at grad arriving in one!

5:30 pm: Night Ceremony begins

~Group photo~ Can you spot me? I'm on the left in black

An upclose of me in the group photo

We also had cake that night but the fact that I did not get to taste the cake was rather disappointing! The reason would be that the small cake would not be able to feed all 359 students at graduation. I also did not manage to see the cake during the ceremony, but mum had a chance to take a photo of it. Good old mum, I knew I could count on her!!!

Mmmm...cake..
















Photo on the left: A group photo of Andrew, Mum and Me..

Photo on the right: A beautiful photo of Vicki and I...*sigh* Look how gorgeous she is! I feel like a hog standing next to her..

9:45 pm: Parents leave and the party time begins!!

Woo~ I certainly enjoyed my time in Mountain Creek High and some fond memories will be left behind. But there's certainly one thing I don't miss - Uniforms!!!!!!!!!!

P.S: A wise person once said: Mr. Peach's comment, "Stay off the grass!" is a metaphor for staying off drugs! Lmao

~Asian Gathering~

La Fiesta De Cultura (I think my spanish gramma is incorrect..)

Having a great time despite I'm the new girl there. Lots of asians from Sunshine Grammer School.

Ok.So I'm the new kid. Despite the fact that my Jap friend, Alice is more comfortable in the presence of so many Asians and she's been here for a short period! This is what you call the IB syndrome where your social life soon disintegrates and then is no more. Poof! Gone..Nothing more than dust on your shelf, laden with IB textbooks.

It felt kind of weird when you join a group that you have not been with before and then people stare at you as if you're intruding on their private party. But I was invited. There were some familiar faces that I have previously met at the Cotton Tree Gathering not long ago. Still there, was this air of unfamilarity that linger in the air. There I was, sitting there like a Jap doll smiling at everyone who seems to ignore my entity.

Someone broke the silence of my mind. A girl from Sunshine Coast Grammer School, known as LeAnna asked me which part of Japan I was from, naturally. I have no idea why, people keep thinking that I'm Japanese, even my own fellow Chinese. Conversation started and then things got better. Like always, as I "predict" that my meal would always be served last, it came true. Even better. It wasn't even ordered. So there I was, the last one seen gulping down the remains of her meal whilst others wait patiently, chatting amongst themselves.

I guess I should have been more involved rather than hiding in my room all this while. I have been blinded by my idleness. Thinking back to what my mother once said and it is true "Asians tend to get along better together". This argument is coming from a relationship-wise of things. I always thought it'd be cute to have a Caucasian boyfriend or husband one day but this really made me rethink things through. No matter how close you are with another race, there's always a gap that there is to be filled. But this is just a thought. Maybe there is a possibility that you can bond with another race as if your own.

Ok! Photo time!

William and I - Met him at the Cotton Tree gathering..(Refer to old Blog)

Jeffrey and Me (OMG! double chin..HIDE!!)

My Crazy Japanese Friend: Alice from Tokyo (Cool photo effect huh? I took it..)

Looks like disco dancing!

Jackie & William getting ready to eat!

Me and Alice...Haha do we look like sisters?

Clockwise: Chris, Jeffrey, Kwany, Alice and Me..

Zest Art Exhibition 2007

Ok..So here's some of the things I've done for this year's exhibition...

Say You'll Love Me

Charcoal on Wood

40 x 48 cm

The Light In The Basement

Acrylic on Paper

69 x 91 cm

Solitude

Projected onto screen

Just a pic of what I did at the exhibition..