How frustrating can it get? I've been screwed over 3 times. Dumped all 3 times.
Well, almost 3 times.
It really makes me wonder though, is there seriously something that wrong with me? Is there something coursing through my veins, my very own DNA, that puts people off being in a relationship with me? Am I really that bad?
Hell.
I seriously wonder what I have left, of a heart.
You told me you love me but you don't ever seem to show it. Well, you do in a way. You care but the way you were in love with me is gone.
I will never forget the times where you loved to hold my hand when we were out. Neither will I forget the times where you always wanted me by your side and never wanted me to leave, even for a moment. Or the times when you told me you loved me. Wait, not only that. You wanted me, you needed me in your life. I was, for a moment in time, the most important person in your life, other than your parents.
I was truly happy. But I was such an idiot to have not recognised it. I'm sorry.
Now, I just long deep down inside for you to be the person you once were when you wrote me a letter, which was a reminder of your love for me.
Where did the love go, my love?
Where did it go?
And what has it made me now?
I'm suffering despite taking anti-depressants. It's suppressing my feelings but no, it is not enough. I wanted something to make me feel happy, even for a moment, where nothing mattered at all.
So, I have resorted to drinking myself to sleep at nights. It was either that or have swollen eyes from crying too much.
A month's break is a long time. Hell, 2 weeks passed by so goddamn slowly. Another 2 weeks to go. I wonder how I'll cope?
I just wanted to say, that I take it all back. I need you now.
And I still love you very much.
I pray to God, that the end of this month, everything will be over and I'll be back in your arms again.
I'm quite an optimist for a pessimist, aren't I?
Wednesday 15 December 2010
Tuesday 20 July 2010
Somebody
Everyone wants to be somebody.
Even me.
Everyone has a talent.
What is mine?
I have no idea.
Testicle-whacking?
Butt-rapist wannabe?
Still finding it.
Even me.
Everyone has a talent.
What is mine?
I have no idea.
Testicle-whacking?
Butt-rapist wannabe?
Still finding it.
Saturday 3 July 2010
Hypocrites Pt. 2
It's funny how people tend to criticize other people of their faults when they themselves have faults of their own and yet they do not want to admit or realize it themselves.
How can a man call another man a hypocrite when he himself is a hypocrite? Thus a paradox is born.
The paradox born of hypocrisy is a viscous cycle.
It never ends as every man is a hypocrite - to himself and everyone around him.
Unless a man who is born perfect, not subjected to hypocrisy, only has the right to point out the flaws of others.
How can you tell someone off and keep telling them off when your life is falling to pieces and yet, still shameless enough to point the finger at others?
How can you blame the failure of your life on others and use them as a scapegoat to vent out the years of dissatisfaction and anger created through your life of misery?
Fine. I may be a hypocrite but seriously, who hasn't been a hypocrite at some point in their life? It is a blatant lie if a man says he is not a hypocrite.
You say that you are learning from us to be more selfish and be more hypocritical towards your actions but I find that funny. For each time you tell me off for doing something now, and you're doing it yourself, you are a hypocrite.
I never had to courage to say this to your face, but maybe someday you will wake up and realise that people have faults and so do you. However, you should not blame others and think that everything you do is 'oh-so-perfect' and is "logical" when really, it isn't. Maybe that is why, most of your marriages have failed and you still can't find the reason why? Perphaps the reason lies within you.
I would be a bad daughter to say that to you. I will never say it to you to your face. But as an observer, that is what I have perceived.
They say respect is earned and takes a lifetime to build and only take seconds to destroy.
I lack respect, but I have come to a point where, I don't think I respect anyone anymore. I do what I am told to save my own hide on my bottom. I endure cause it is out of my own benefit. I never wanted to stand down, but fortunately for you, you own the trump cards and I'm left with a leash that chokes me.
People say I'm an ungrateful person, but dealing with the mental abuse is not worth the hassle to be grateful.
So many times, I wanted to leave. Just leave it all behind but yet I'm just another hypocrite who can't live up to the things I want to do or say. Perphaps I am a failure.
You want to give up for the "amount of shit" we're giving you. But how long have you spent trying to reconcile. You give up at the slightest amount. This statement makes me a hypocrite too, but I have endured through yours.
I hope one day you'll understand and wake up.
Not everything you do is right.
How can a man call another man a hypocrite when he himself is a hypocrite? Thus a paradox is born.
The paradox born of hypocrisy is a viscous cycle.
It never ends as every man is a hypocrite - to himself and everyone around him.
Unless a man who is born perfect, not subjected to hypocrisy, only has the right to point out the flaws of others.
How can you tell someone off and keep telling them off when your life is falling to pieces and yet, still shameless enough to point the finger at others?
How can you blame the failure of your life on others and use them as a scapegoat to vent out the years of dissatisfaction and anger created through your life of misery?
Fine. I may be a hypocrite but seriously, who hasn't been a hypocrite at some point in their life? It is a blatant lie if a man says he is not a hypocrite.
You say that you are learning from us to be more selfish and be more hypocritical towards your actions but I find that funny. For each time you tell me off for doing something now, and you're doing it yourself, you are a hypocrite.
I never had to courage to say this to your face, but maybe someday you will wake up and realise that people have faults and so do you. However, you should not blame others and think that everything you do is 'oh-so-perfect' and is "logical" when really, it isn't. Maybe that is why, most of your marriages have failed and you still can't find the reason why? Perphaps the reason lies within you.
I would be a bad daughter to say that to you. I will never say it to you to your face. But as an observer, that is what I have perceived.
They say respect is earned and takes a lifetime to build and only take seconds to destroy.
I lack respect, but I have come to a point where, I don't think I respect anyone anymore. I do what I am told to save my own hide on my bottom. I endure cause it is out of my own benefit. I never wanted to stand down, but fortunately for you, you own the trump cards and I'm left with a leash that chokes me.
People say I'm an ungrateful person, but dealing with the mental abuse is not worth the hassle to be grateful.
So many times, I wanted to leave. Just leave it all behind but yet I'm just another hypocrite who can't live up to the things I want to do or say. Perphaps I am a failure.
You want to give up for the "amount of shit" we're giving you. But how long have you spent trying to reconcile. You give up at the slightest amount. This statement makes me a hypocrite too, but I have endured through yours.
I hope one day you'll understand and wake up.
Not everything you do is right.
Thursday 17 June 2010
Life in the City of Neophobia
Neophobia: the fear or dislike of new things; fear of change.
As stated above, neophobia is simply the fear of change. The fear of new things. Well, that basically summarizes the City of Perth, folks. Australia as a whole, with the exception of metropolitan areas such as Melbourne and Sydney, is already backward in itself. The only thing I can give them credit for, is that they are striving for a healthier country to live in by 2020. The purpose of this post, is not only to rant, but also stand as a notice for me and for anyone who really thinks the grass is greener on the other side; focusing on the pros and cons of living here in Australia.
To start off selfishly, I shall rant as I always do on this blog considering it has been a reoccuring theme...
I perceive Perth to be a place for old people or people who simply want to do nothing with change. A note to Neophobics, Perth or other small towns in Australia is a perfect place for you to hide and shelter away as other developing countries are finding their way to change rapidly.
I do not know whether it is because of my background, being raised in a metropolitan area of Kuala Lumpur. Reminiscing to when I was a high school student, it was already quite obvious that it was in our culture to have, possess or own the latest technology [especially mobile phones]. Here, in Australia, I feel that the only possible "culture" that Australians possess are [1] drinking [2]abusing alcohol [3] clubbing, and [4] getting laid.
I desire change. I have come to a point where I feel that my life lacks something important. I also personally feel that Neophobia city has sucked the life out of me. There is simply n-o-t-h-i-n-g to do in this town. Go out after 5PM, everything is fucking shut [with the exception of Thursday nights for local shopping centres and Friday nights in the city; both only open 'til 9PM].
For a while, I thought not all hope was lost when some West Australians do feel the need or want to extend trading hours. The reason why it does not work? Goddamn Neophobians! [not a real word I think, but I shall call residents of Perth with a few exceptions to some, Neophobians]. They complain about working late and spending not enough time with their family, blah blah blah. AND YOU FUCKING WONDER WHY THIS PLACE IS SO FAR BEHIND???? You'd think that a city that has quite a large population of Asians would teach these Caucasians a few things but no, they are just as stubborn and lazy as the Malays back home. Basically, the fairer version.
Just let me say that if Asians [or not to be so "racist", other people in other countries] can do it, SO CAN YOU!
But, no....
It's not that you can't, you just don't fucking want to.
Hey, if Australians don't want to work, I think we have a fair amount of Asians that would happily work for you for the extra money!
I could type all day long with the things I have to say, but I guess I'll just put it into dot points.
I'll start off with CONS:
Pros:
And all I can say is that I am seeking something new, exciting, exhilarating... Just something that will just take my breath away.
For now, back to suffocating...
To start off selfishly, I shall rant as I always do on this blog considering it has been a reoccuring theme...
I perceive Perth to be a place for old people or people who simply want to do nothing with change. A note to Neophobics, Perth or other small towns in Australia is a perfect place for you to hide and shelter away as other developing countries are finding their way to change rapidly.
I do not know whether it is because of my background, being raised in a metropolitan area of Kuala Lumpur. Reminiscing to when I was a high school student, it was already quite obvious that it was in our culture to have, possess or own the latest technology [especially mobile phones]. Here, in Australia, I feel that the only possible "culture" that Australians possess are [1] drinking [2]abusing alcohol [3] clubbing, and [4] getting laid.
I desire change. I have come to a point where I feel that my life lacks something important. I also personally feel that Neophobia city has sucked the life out of me. There is simply n-o-t-h-i-n-g to do in this town. Go out after 5PM, everything is fucking shut [with the exception of Thursday nights for local shopping centres and Friday nights in the city; both only open 'til 9PM].
For a while, I thought not all hope was lost when some West Australians do feel the need or want to extend trading hours. The reason why it does not work? Goddamn Neophobians! [not a real word I think, but I shall call residents of Perth with a few exceptions to some, Neophobians]. They complain about working late and spending not enough time with their family, blah blah blah. AND YOU FUCKING WONDER WHY THIS PLACE IS SO FAR BEHIND???? You'd think that a city that has quite a large population of Asians would teach these Caucasians a few things but no, they are just as stubborn and lazy as the Malays back home. Basically, the fairer version.
Just let me say that if Asians [or not to be so "racist", other people in other countries] can do it, SO CAN YOU!
But, no....
It's not that you can't, you just don't fucking want to.
Hey, if Australians don't want to work, I think we have a fair amount of Asians that would happily work for you for the extra money!
I could type all day long with the things I have to say, but I guess I'll just put it into dot points.
I'll start off with CONS:
- Lack of culture despite "multiculturalism"
- Acknowledges "multiculturalism" but there is alot of racism going on in Neophobialand
- High standard of living; things are fucking expensive.
- Average people strive to afford a house in the current housing market
- Banks rip the shit out of their customers [anyone heard of interest on top of an interest? And also paying to withdraw your own money out?]
- Majority Gen Y = lazy. [Hey, I'm a Gen Y but at least I acknowledge it. Give me some credit!]
- Rather high crime rates [someone once told me that Perth has the highest crime rate per ratio.. or something like that]
- Short trading hours
- Hypocritical governing system & also very confusing
- Really, really, really dislikes change and rejects change
- Too patriotic [some of them don't even want to leave the country]
- Gets too hot in Summer
- Likes beer but don't sell cheap beer...
- Promotes healthy lifestyle but foods like wraps and salads prices are off the roof and junk food sold at a cheap price. Sheer stupidity?
- Lack of discipline in children and in schools.
- Wayyyy too far laid-back
- Spanking of children is illegal
Pros:
- Cleaner amenities
- No stray animals [I'm talking about domestic animals aka pets]
- You see white people?
- Nice beaches [large nature reserves, coasts, etc.]
- Healthier Australa vision by 2020
- More music festivals and concerts
- Has 4 seasons
- Some friendly Australians do exist
- When you're horny but have no one to fuck, all you need to do is to find some guy in a club?
- Sluts ahoy!
- Cute koalas
And all I can say is that I am seeking something new, exciting, exhilarating... Just something that will just take my breath away.
For now, back to suffocating...
Friday 11 June 2010
Wednesday 17 March 2010
The Sweetest Thing I've Ever Heard & Moments of Self-Reflection.
Wow. It has been that long since my last post, I don't even know how the blogsphere feels like anymore. It is now my third year in university and also my second last semester. In a way I feel sad that it is my final year but also glad that the grieving process of intense studying is going to be over soon [not that I study hard anyways].
My electives this year is first year studies of Web Communications 101. Who knew I'm such a geek? I should probably say most Asians are but it is funny that Asians are ranked 4th in the world as Internet users. No doubt, North America pwns it in first place, then Australia?! Sure they may use the Internet, but I highly doubt the fact that these Aussies know much about using blogs or other services provided by the net!
I am giving the assumption that they use the Internet solely for the purpose of Facebook, MySpace and perphaps, porn. The only one thing I can give credit to Australia is that it has helped me with who I am and how I use the Internet. When I first came to Australia in 2005, I had no clue what a USB stick is. I was 14 going on 15 and my god it is embarrassing when I think back. Assignments in high school were handed in hard copy and most of it was done on Microsoft Word. It was also the year where I had to get a laptop to do my work. Back in Malaysia, every homework was hand-written. Computers in high-school were used for educational games and not even for printing.
Back then, I also used the Internet for Googling pics of Amy Lee and the only other purpose of the computer was to play the Sims. Over the years in high school, I realised how far behind I was in technology and vowed that I will be as efficient as possible with the computer and also the Internet.
Oh, I forgot to mention that Australia is known for the usage of dating websites. After two failures of a relationship, one which was met on the net, I decided to give it a go to see how many losers are out here in Australia. Unfortunately, I forgot that signing up, I became a loser myself. I changed that theory as I have met some nice people and also some perverted old man.
I think it was meant to be. For all the old men that added me on that site, I added a man that was way off the preferred age group. I don't know why I added him, perphaps it was his profile details that allured me and I thought that, "Hey, I could just be friends with him".
Guess what?
He is now with me and we've almost been together for three months!
He has shown me what is like to be loved for who I am no matter how ugly I look with or without make-up and I'm starting to appreciate this relationship.
He keeps on saying to this day that he loves me. First it started off with once a day, now he says it every moment he gets. Due to past experiences, I was scared that he was just saying it just for the sake of saying it or that he feels that he has to. So I asked him, how much does he love me?
*drum rolls*
"Looking back now, I can confidently say that you are the person I love the most.. other than my parents of course," he said.
"What about your other exes?" I asked him skeptically.
"I am sure that you love your exes as much as you loved me."
"No, after my past relationships, I can look back and see the faults in the relationships and can now say that I love you,"
*skeptical look*
"You have throw tantrums and tempers and with my exes I would not put up with that. With you, I know how to put up with it and still want to be with you".
So touching!!!
My electives this year is first year studies of Web Communications 101. Who knew I'm such a geek? I should probably say most Asians are but it is funny that Asians are ranked 4th in the world as Internet users. No doubt, North America pwns it in first place, then Australia?! Sure they may use the Internet, but I highly doubt the fact that these Aussies know much about using blogs or other services provided by the net!
I am giving the assumption that they use the Internet solely for the purpose of Facebook, MySpace and perphaps, porn. The only one thing I can give credit to Australia is that it has helped me with who I am and how I use the Internet. When I first came to Australia in 2005, I had no clue what a USB stick is. I was 14 going on 15 and my god it is embarrassing when I think back. Assignments in high school were handed in hard copy and most of it was done on Microsoft Word. It was also the year where I had to get a laptop to do my work. Back in Malaysia, every homework was hand-written. Computers in high-school were used for educational games and not even for printing.
Back then, I also used the Internet for Googling pics of Amy Lee and the only other purpose of the computer was to play the Sims. Over the years in high school, I realised how far behind I was in technology and vowed that I will be as efficient as possible with the computer and also the Internet.
Oh, I forgot to mention that Australia is known for the usage of dating websites. After two failures of a relationship, one which was met on the net, I decided to give it a go to see how many losers are out here in Australia. Unfortunately, I forgot that signing up, I became a loser myself. I changed that theory as I have met some nice people and also some perverted old man.
I think it was meant to be. For all the old men that added me on that site, I added a man that was way off the preferred age group. I don't know why I added him, perphaps it was his profile details that allured me and I thought that, "Hey, I could just be friends with him".
Guess what?
He is now with me and we've almost been together for three months!
He has shown me what is like to be loved for who I am no matter how ugly I look with or without make-up and I'm starting to appreciate this relationship.
He keeps on saying to this day that he loves me. First it started off with once a day, now he says it every moment he gets. Due to past experiences, I was scared that he was just saying it just for the sake of saying it or that he feels that he has to. So I asked him, how much does he love me?
*drum rolls*
"Looking back now, I can confidently say that you are the person I love the most.. other than my parents of course," he said.
"What about your other exes?" I asked him skeptically.
"I am sure that you love your exes as much as you loved me."
"No, after my past relationships, I can look back and see the faults in the relationships and can now say that I love you,"
*skeptical look*
"You have throw tantrums and tempers and with my exes I would not put up with that. With you, I know how to put up with it and still want to be with you".
So touching!!!
Thursday 4 March 2010
Web Studies 101
This is reminding me of Net Studies in CIC!
Web Presence.. HAH!
This blog has been up and running since 2007.
Finally realised that my blog has some use.
Boom. Pow.
It's 10:17AM
This unit is awesome.
Not to mention, I'm a third year uni student doing first year stuff?
Nice!
Monday 1 February 2010
Life is a Gamble
Gambling is a thing you have to do in life. Taking risks and not regretting any decisions you make. It's either you gain or you lose. It's 50/50 really. However, whatever decision you make is also based on the strategic approach you take on. Like Texas Hold'em Poker, you can either be a passive aggresive or just plain aggressive.
When time is short and valuable, I suppose it is best to plan your life ahead of you but there is really no fun in that, personally speaking. Furthermore, life cannot be really planned as unseen circumstances do arise - either for the better or for worse. Like gambling, in life, you should also learn from your mistakes and avoid repeating the mistake if the problem arises again. Improve your strategy and make it stronger. You are the player and life is the dealer. Trying to play the cards given to you right is hard but that is the way it is I suppose. Some people get better cards [luck?] and they have a higher chance of winning if they play their cards right. Play it wrong and the good cards may be wasted. Playing with bad cards may be hard but hey, in games like Big 2, you might end up beating other players with good cards if you play them right. I suppose that is how quotes like "Play your cards right" came about.
So much things to think and ponder and personal life philosophies are nice to blog about. But sometimes it gets too much. Too much as I personally can't live by them everytime. Somewhere somehow, in the end, we are all hypocrites.
Sometimes playing with the unexpected is exciting and adrenaline rushing but like most other games that you gamble with, in the long run, you lose. Same with life isn't it? No matter how much you accomplish, we all die.
Ah, life! Why are you so cruel to us?
When time is short and valuable, I suppose it is best to plan your life ahead of you but there is really no fun in that, personally speaking. Furthermore, life cannot be really planned as unseen circumstances do arise - either for the better or for worse. Like gambling, in life, you should also learn from your mistakes and avoid repeating the mistake if the problem arises again. Improve your strategy and make it stronger. You are the player and life is the dealer. Trying to play the cards given to you right is hard but that is the way it is I suppose. Some people get better cards [luck?] and they have a higher chance of winning if they play their cards right. Play it wrong and the good cards may be wasted. Playing with bad cards may be hard but hey, in games like Big 2, you might end up beating other players with good cards if you play them right. I suppose that is how quotes like "Play your cards right" came about.
So much things to think and ponder and personal life philosophies are nice to blog about. But sometimes it gets too much. Too much as I personally can't live by them everytime. Somewhere somehow, in the end, we are all hypocrites.
Sometimes playing with the unexpected is exciting and adrenaline rushing but like most other games that you gamble with, in the long run, you lose. Same with life isn't it? No matter how much you accomplish, we all die.
Ah, life! Why are you so cruel to us?
Thursday 21 January 2010
Into the new decade..
Many of can agree with me that 2009 was a fantastically horrible year. Some lost their loved ones and some, like me, had many unfortunate incidents during the course of the year.
It's finally 2010 and I was on hiatus. Why?
It's finally 2010 and I was on hiatus. Why?
Cause I finally found someone who loves me for who I am.
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