I Remember What He Said...

A friend of mine once told me that you will know when the right person is there for you. Before all this heartache, I asked him: When will I be treated the way I have treated them? Will anyone love me more than I love them? To be treated nicely and in a respectable way, unselfish and unconditionable?

"One day, you'll find the person who will love you for who you are. You'll just have to wait"

I guess with my impatient and naive behaviour, I fell straight for the two people who seemed right but never was. But oh! The joy of the thought of being in love was too strong and I gave into temptation.

The result? Disasterous..

The first one, I was young and naive but was basically blinded by love that I couldn't see that she wasn't the right one to be partnered up with but only great as friends. My stupidity resulted in the loss of friendship. The second one was infatuated with me, but never really liked me. I thought I wouldn't be that stupid to fall for someone, but even in the beginning, he had all the qualities I wanted. In the end, I found out he was a selfish man who used me to satisfy his own desires. Both, shattered my heart. I am still finding the shards to piece it all back together but with each shard, I bleed.

I know I am young. I know I have my whole life ahead of me and repeatedly I have stated once so many times, how sick I am of looking. Maybe I envy those couples who've married their sweetheart from high school. Or married their second boyfriend? Being single, in a way, is nice - having the freedom to do what you want and not worry about what other people are thinking of you. You don't have commitments. But when you come back home, it's sad to think that no one is waiting for you. No one is missing you other than family, but I suppose that is to be expected.

Being in a relationship, however, is different. It's nice, being able to care for someone and return be cared for. Being able to love someone and hopefully in return, be loved. And it is for that reason alone, I want to find someone who I can love and be loved in return. I am sick for searching. There are 6 billion people on this planet and there will definitely be more than one person that will be right for you. There is no use trying to keep looking for something better...

Anyways, back to the topic. There's a new man in my life. Fast enough as it is, I guess I finally woke up from what I was doing with Mr.Bf #2. Although being in love, I was ready to wait for him until he was ready to be commited to someone, but then at the same time, I was being used like a doormat. I didn't mind it until Mr. Bf #3 came along.

I guess I am happy that I found someone who treated me the way I have always wanted them to. But somehow inside, I have created a shield around the shattered heart. I am still afraid to let him in. Maybe it's a good thing. Takes things slow in terms of emotion. I'm afraid that he'll go away too, as they always do. It's always been like that, they like me, wants me to be in a relationship with them, I opened up my heart to them, they leave me.

I don't want him to leave. I guess when I say the words that I would be the one to run, I selfishly wanted to be the one who doesn't get hurt again. It's been enough for the year 2009.

"People's feelings change easily. All that one sees could be an illusion.
Nothing is for certain"

Lying Away From You

Jealousy forms when you observe other couple's loving activities, whilst your own love sits inside the heart; not being able to show affection will slowly rot the soul.

The inability to feel neither true pain nor joy comes from being hurt so much in the past that the heart learns to shield itself from these emotions. This is what is like to be frozen. Neither sunlight nor the freezing wind can change the frozen heart. Yet it waits for the day, for love to melt it back to the way it was.

Stupidity is the man who does not listen to the wise men. Stupidity is the man who does the bidding of his heart. Stupidity is when love conquers body and soul.

Love cannot be forced, they say, but then explain to me how is it that couples in arranged marriages last so long? Longer than those marriages vowed due to the sake of love? Love is a bond that can be obtained over time. I believe so, but yet it is also my weakness, my stupidity.

Stupidity for loving a man whose heart is, perphaps, even more frozen than mine. Does he know what love is? But yet my hope remains. The hope that allows me to be here waiting for him although the mind tells me to give up. It's futile.

"There can be miracles, when you believe,
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill..."

Free for 3 months!

I am finally enjoying myself, not having to crash in university and worry about anything to do with university work until next year! But now this means that I will have to find jobs for this summer's vacation.

Time to start sending out resumes and applications!

Student Edge Blogger!

Finally featured in the Student Edge website. I had the job of taking and editing the photos for this week's voxpop on their website!

Sacrifice

"It's not always Rainbows and Butterflies, it's Compromise that moves us along"

She Will Be Loved

Maroon 5

You know what darling? Sometimes, as a couple, we will always have some issues that arise whilst we are together. But it doesn't mean that you sit down and contemplate about the relationship and just end it just like that.

You try to sit down, with a clear mind, tell your partner what's working and what's not. "I don't know", isn't an answer that we want to hear.

I understand that you're trying not to hurt me because you are frustrated that you're not in love with me just yet. It's okay. Some people fall in love faster than others. Some take months, some take years, some even at first sight. So who are we to say that it's wrong not to fall in love within a few months.

Although it has only been a few months, we never argued about anything else. Isn't that a sign? Unless you're keeping things to yourself and try not to hurt me.

Furthermore, my love, I know we rushed in. What ever that made you like me, may have just been infatuation or lust. But somehow inside, I think we are very much compatible. Why you have grown tired of me, I do not know but it's still not a solid enough reason for me to think that we should just end this right now. Think about it for a second, if all married couples were to just divorce just because they have grown weary of each other, the divorce rates would just sky-rocket. There are ways that can make our bond grow stronger.

I know you don't have the time to be there for me, nor give me undivided attention due to your responsibilities as an individual. You and I know, I'm trying so hard not to be clingy. Sometimes, I get moody and just need you to be there without thinking about your feelings. For that, I'm sincerely sorry and will take the blame for being angry at me. But is it so bad that we have to end it?

You further stated that you don't know what you want. You don't know if you should continue to be in a relationship or be single. When I asked you why you asked me to be your girlfriend in the first place, you said that you wanted me to be at that time. Whatever you do or say, has its consequences and take the responsibility.

I actually could forsee you growing tired of me, but I was trying so hard to ignore it and give it the benefit of doubt that you may have been stressed out with work or just being tired.

You said that you kept thinking about the first night you met me. I keep thinking of all the good times we had together. It's painful to see it just disappear.

You don't want to hurt me. But what's hurting me more is you giving up so easily. Humans can never predict what may or could happen in the future. We don't know whether it's going to work or not and yes, you don't want to hurt me even more. But who's to say that you might actually develop something later? You're hurting me by being so cold, so indifferent to me now. Every morning, I wake up with a heavy heart knowing you're not going to be there. And even if you are, what we had before is gone. I am willing to take the risk and gamble for the future. Isn't that we do? We take risks in our life. Like BlackJack, it's 50/50. But if you don't take that risk, who knows what the cards may hold?

If you have said that you cannot stand me, that I do things that make you angry, I would have been okay to just be friends and walk away. Until now, I cannot pin-point the things that makes us incompatible.

I may have done something "stupid". Don't forget, that people are built differently. Some can handle or see things clearer than others. They are able to look past things and keep moving on. To some, it's just what they are living for. Are you calling everything that have killed themselves or are practicing self-infliction stupid? Everyone has their reasons, although not everyone can see it from their point of view. Remember that.

It's not okay that you're gone, but if I love you and you're happier this way, I'll just have to accept and sacrifice the fact that you're gone. Note though, my love, I'll be here waiting for you.

Nobody's Home

Well, I couldn't tell you
Why she felt that way? She felt it everyday
And I couldn't help her
I just watched her make the same mistakes again

What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems
Don't know where she belongs
Where she belongs?

She wants to go home but nobody's home
That's where she lies
Broken inside with no place to go
No place to go to dry her eyes
Broken inside

Open your eyes
And look outside find the reasons why
You've been rejected
And now you can't find what you've left behind

Be strong, be strong now
Too many, too many problems
Don't know where she belongs
Where she belongs?

She wants to go home but nobody's home
That's where she lies
Broken inside with no place to go
No place to go to dry her eyes
Broken inside

Her feelings she hides, her dreams she can't find
She's losing her mind, she's fallen behind
And she can't find her place, she's losing her faith
She's fallen from grace, she's all over the place, yeah

She wants to go home but nobody's home
That's where she lies
Broken inside with no place to go
No place to go to dry her eyes
Broken inside

She's lost inside, lost inside

-Avril Lavigne-

Curse thy Emotions

I do not know why.

I do not know whether it's linked to my monthly process of producing hormones and losing blood that turns me into an emotional wreck.

I just feel like eventhough I have family and recently, a Mr. BF of my own, I can't help but feel so alone. Why is it I feel like I have no support when I face problems. Sometimes, although I'm trying to be independent, some support will be nice. I feel like if I were to tell anyone anything at anytime, the problems in which I face will be scrutinized and criticized to the max.

So now, if I were to tell anyone anything, I have to think twice. I guess I now understand what my ex told me off for - for not being supporting enough and being mean although I do it for fun. I now see it when people around me do that, although the majority of the time, I take it in with good humour and take it as self-constructive criticism.

I never ever said my self-confidence is high. The person you see, is just someone who's trying to mimic the person she is trying to be. Fear of rejection. I actually enjoy having someone to reassure me that I am good enough, but that would be vain. It always seem to me, that what I do, I have to asked to be praised. Am I not good enough?

I got told off once for putting effort in making someone happy. "You always try but never succeed, what's the point?". So much for appreciation.

I guess in the end, I just want someone to show me some support and most importantly boost up my morale. I can't take another hit this year. There's already too much shit going on.

And Does He Notice, My Feelings For Him?

Photographer/Designer?

I am wondering. Wondering if what I'm wanting to do in life is to just be a flight attendant for the rest of my working life? You know? Work whilst in the mean time travel, save up, buy a house, a car and the rest spent on traveling around the globe.

Realistically speaking, being a flight attendant and if you're single [not married and no kids], you're able to afford nice things.

But what about photography? I actually don't find it too bad.. Just that the fact that printing them out in 8 x 12 cm is a bitch but it's fun. Design.. That's what I want to do as a major, but got stuck as a minor. Oh well, perphaps I can do it after this course. Hopefully, I'll have a PR and it'll be half price!

I don't know. Here I am at 19 still figuring what to do after I graduate from uni. I need to think fast. I need a plan...

Morning Memories

I love the way you hug me to sleep.

The warmth of your body keeping mine warm.

The breath against my neck whilst you're there beside me.

The touch of your skin against mine

The way you hug me when you leave me before you leave for work

The kiss you give me before you depart

All these things I shall cherish for the time we're together

These are the things that make our bond stronger

These are the things that will make me fall for you

Deeper than ever


"Hold me, like you held on to life.."


I wished that moment lasted forever.

Learning and Breathing

We have all made mistakes. Sure, I mean I am not a saint. Realistically speaking, I'm simply just a 19 year old girl with little or no experience what-so-ever, so pray you do forgive me for my mistakes. Being naive and rash with my decisions (basically acting or speaking without thinking), I know I do somethings that may have hurt you without realising it and I pray that you'd guide me and teach me. Most importantly, I want to say I'm sorry.

From what I have learned from a short relationship, saying sorry too often can make the apology seem worthless. However, I want you to see that I'm still in the learning phase of life and like many other kids, I do tend to repeat some mistakes even without realising it. Bad, I know and I'm trying hard. Although I may not reach the standards you want me to be, trust me, I'm trying my hardest so someday you'll eventually love me for who I am. More importantly, have faith and trust me.

In a way, I'm trying to get rid of my flaws. I am attention-seeking, but in this point of time, I'm trying my hardest not to be 'clingy' and not to ask for much, but I also get frustrated sometimes hence the message. I regretted that the next day.

Despite the way you have found out the message, you actually don't need to apologize. I was shocked but actually quite happy you care... until you found the message of course!

I have to admit that despite my sometimes rather cheery, wacky appearance, I am a rather insecure person. I think it's the fact that I have lost too many friends that I think are important to me. I do not want to lose another one.

For me, like I've said, you're almost perfect. I'm starting to fall for you with what's left of a heart of mine and I hope you treat it with fragility and some TLC. I just don't think I can bear losing another someone whom I'm getting attached or attached to. You should know. You've been down the same road. I just seem to fall head-over-heels much faster than some. And perphaps I am also in love with the idea of being in love. Hopeless Romantic.

In the end, I cannot read the future but all I hope for, for now, is that you'll love me. Though you've asked the question whether I'd leave you, I can promise you that if ever that day comes, the person to call it off would be you. It'd never be me.

Let's never get into such situations in the future, shall we?

The Last of My Teenage Years

Here's a very sweet note that I received in my birthday card from Icee. Although I've known her for a short period of time, I've come to realise that she and I are similar in many different ways.

Thanks for being there for me. Thanks for being a friend.

Dear Mesha,

On your 19th birthday, marks the end of your teenage years and the beginning of adulthood.

It is a very special day in everyone's life because on this day, a person cherishes the old moments filled with love, care and shelter but now the person is moving towards adulthood, where he or she will be loaded with responsibilities and independence of thoughts and expression.

"Over the hell and sliding down fast, you knew being young just couldn't last,
Your back goes out, the eyes grow dim,
You can't hear over the background,
Aches and pains are constant companions,
You wear bigger shoes because of your bunions!
The memory is fading, names you forget,
You really don't want to get older - and yet...
The sliding down the other side of the hill can give you quite an invigorating thrill!"
-Lona Hatfield-

Love,
Icee

Clean. Simple. Perfect.

Clean. Simple. Perfect.

Something to what I need right now in my life. A new, clean, or should I say a fresh start? Although it's almost the end of 2009, I guess it's been a hell of a year that I went through.

I started off with a layout that was the complete opposite. Actually quite similar to what I had before. Black with shiny bits here and there. But the coding somehow fucked up. Nice isn't it?

Found that out today.... so I had to resort to this one! The best bit with blogging and actually meddling with the HTML coding allows me to change the name from EMPTY to my name -MESHA!!

I hate coding but with a little practice.. WOW.

Hheheheh guess I'm not that stupid after all!

Welcome back to the world of blogging!!

XOXO

A New Chapter UnRavels..

Hello!

THIS BLOG WILL CONTINUE WHEN I'M DONE GIVING IT A MAKE-OVER!

A NEW CHAPTER IN MY LIFE.

A FRESH LOOK.

TO FORGET THE PAST

AND START ANEW

XOXO

It's Not So Bad After All...

I guess from the last post I wrote about Love, I have moved on. The benefit from being hurt in a relationship would definitely be waking up to the world as a stronger person. Actually, I should re-phrase that. Stronger, with a shield.

A very thick shield.

You have been hurt once. You do not want to be hurt again. It will take forever before I start trusting the person enough to open up my emotions.

Yet, the best bit I have learned this year [especially for a female], the ability to seperate sex from feelings. I don't know why, but my feelings has been drained. I wonder if I have a hole in place of where my heart should be. Or has it been buried so deep inside, it will take only the right person to bring it back out again.

However, this person is like me. Which scares me. Especially the part where both of us have a hollow place in our chests. Our hearts, broken. Forgotten.

I'm in love with Love. When will it come pouring down on me?

When I have learned to love? I gave it my all, but it was never good enough. And I'm still waiting here to be loved.

Boy oh Boy.

Dear new potential boyfriend,

I hope if you ever do stumble upon this post, maybe you'll see me in a different light. Am I really evil? I don't think so. I am not really your average girl but I am at the same time. But see, I used to be a nice girl who'd do anything for someone I like. Even if I'm not perfect, I try. If you can't see it for a certain period of time, I give up easily now as I do not want my efforts to go to waste.

You and I have much in common. Our hearts were once shattered by someone we loved and cherished. To a point where we do not care anymore. About others around us or even ourselves. For all I know, my heart is still shattered and will remain in pieces until someone is willing to patch those shards of my heart back together again.

Being clingy. Let's delve into this topic shall we? Most girls are. I do not own a dick so that will probably fit me into the category of the emotional species - female. I cannot see how clingy I am, although I do know I am sometimes. But why do I do it? The constant thought of texting you and wanting to know what you're up to, is simple this: I like you and therefore I'd like to spend time with you. To add to this, I am a girl who loves constant attention. You give me attention and I'm easily satisfied. But. Normal guys, don't want us to be clingy. Unfortunately, I crave attention. After awhile, if you don't bother having the initiative to call me or text me, I have come to a point where I lose attention in you too. There is no point where my efforts spent on texting you, wanting to see you go down the drain. Fuck that.

Ok. Perphaps I'm being irrational and paranoid. But look at it this way. If you like a person, wouldn't you like to spend time with the special someone a bit more? Texting. Hmm. Tough decision isn't it? Texting constantly is like texting a special friend. When you said you'd call, please do.

This is getting complicated. Here's what I want. If you're sincere about me, then do put in more effort to see me. Rather than me asking you what you're doing and attempting to join in. You want some alone time, but not weeks on end without talking and just texting. May as well you and I be friends and I can go meet someone else who'd give me more attention than you do.

I wish you all the best in your quest and perphaps if you do it well enough, my heart will be yours.

xoxo

Rant of the Month

It only feels like yesterday that I have moved into a new place and I have only just settled in but yet, I'm sitting here wondering "When will I ever have a place called home?". It is amazing how much junk can accumulate over time and 3 years worth is alot of shit.

She doesn't even want to be friends anymore. When asked the question whether she wants to be, I get a question as a response "Why should we be?". Despite our many arguments, I'd never thought that someone could so easily forgo a friend. I said that we should be for old time's sake. "No. Not after everything that has happened". For her, she took the alternative path, for us to go our own ways. It is indeed better for her and me I guess, but she makes it sound as if I'm the one that causes all the pain. I wonder if she can see that she is also the one that caused me alot of heartache and pain.

Please, please forgive me
But I won't be home again

Maybe someday you'll look up, and barely conscious you'll say to no one,
Isn't something missing?
You won't cry for my absence I know.
You forgot me long ago.
Am I that unimportant?
Am I so insignificant?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?

Eventhough I'm the sacrifice,
You won't try for me not now
Though I'd die to know you love me
I'm all alone
Isn't someone missing me?

Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again
I know what you did to yourself
I breathe deep and cry out
Isn't something Missing?
Isn't someone missing me?

And if I bleed,
I'll bleed knowing you don't care
And if I sleep just to dream of you
I'll wake without you there..

-Evanescence [Missing]

I guess you've found someone else to love. Someone who could make you love her as she is. My hate, frustrations and anger has faded away. In the end, I guess deep down I still love you. Be free and be happy although to many, you still are a bitch [everyone thinks you are and I probably am one in your friends' eye.]

I am still packing away. Succumbing to a new strain of flu. I think it's time to invest in multi-vitamins and flu boosters.

Retaliation

This is something she wrote and also probably why I fell for her in the first place and decided to give it all a go. In the end, it was all just a lie. Go ahead and read.

Sometimes Mr. Right’s a SHE

It seems that every woman is looking for the perfect man. The one and only Mr. Right. Does this Mr. Right really exist? I myself really do believe that he really does. But sometimes, he’s a she.

Please don’t give me the crap about God made Adam and Eve instead of Adam and Steve. I will choose not to go into details about what I think of Christianity. It takes up too much time and brain cells to actually make people understand how my brain works.

Back to Mr. Right… The perfect man would be loving, caring, sensitive, good looking, intelligent, diligent, independent, ambitious… and the list goes on. But as we all know, there’s no such thing as perfect. So why can’t a tom be Mr. Right? (I’ve decided to use the term ‘tom’ as butches didn’t seem to cover the right amount of people while ‘tom’ is more subtle and easier to identify with)

I dare say that 99% of toms in the world share similar characteristics with the idealized “Perfect Man” or Mr. Right. We are loving, caring, sensitive, protective and loyal. Loyalty is probably the trademark of all toms. Why do I say that? Well, the perfect example would be to look at a tom like a little puppy. An adorable, playful and loyal puppy that no one wants. A tom is like a puppy cause no matter how badly you treat the puppy, it will still stay by your side. It will be sitting there with pleading eyes that says “Love me, please?”. But no one ever stays to love them… maybe once in a while they’ll stay, but not for long.

Speaking from personal experience, I have yet to meet a tom who hasn’t has her heart broken. Our hearts are broken so often and very often by the same girl. And yet we still choose to love that one girl. We would give anything and everything to be with her. But it never seems to be enough.

And always so often we see the girl that we love get hurt again and again by guys who she thinks are Mr. Right. But all we can do is stay by her side, wishing and wishing that she would one day realize that the right one is right there in front of her. But it is almost impossible thanks to the mindset of the society that frowns upon people like us. We say we’re born like this, it’s innate. They say we will burn in hell for choosing this way of life.

Do you think we CHOSE to be like this? We weren’t given the luxury of choice.

To all the girls who have had a tom by her side, please open your eyes and most importantly your heart. It doesn’t hurt when you say you don’t want us, it doesn’t hurt when you say we are wasting our time. At least not as much as when you say that you love us, but can’t be with us because of our sex. Personally, I’d rather hear the girl I love tell me that she doesn’t love me for I’m not good enough rather than hearing her say how much she loves me and want to be with me but can’t because I’m a girl.

This is just something for all the PLUs who have heard the lame excuse “I’m sorry but I can’t be with you because you’re a girl”. I think that sentence is bullshit because it’s not the sex that matters… it’s the feeling."

When there is finally someone there who actually fell for you, you took it all for granted. Amazing how things work in this life, doesn't it?

希望你会永远的心碎和寂寞

A Whole New Look? Probably Keeping it ....

Ok. Got my hair chopped right off. I seriously could not be fucked these days to keep my hair long especially when split ends kick in [inheriting thick coarse hair is a pain at times]. So much easier now to wash and day. Although it also means blow-drying so that it maintains its volume.

When I mean short, almost boy short. In terms of Asian pop-boy-band short.. and even shorter than them.

Here goes.

Ok. So, I haven't cam-whored in a long time. Gimme a break.

Moving Out

I just moved to a new place from Wilson not long ago, June 14th. Now there is an option of me moving into my best friend's place. Should I or should I not? Sometimes you get so comfortable living with that person, you don't want to leave your comfort zone. It was ok for awhile. Now it's just... so.. indescribable. I want her there but I don't as well. My mind is in such a state of confusion. I wouldn't know from wrong to right.

Fuck. What should I do?

Hypocrites - You're Not as Mature as You Seem to be.

You are a filthy lying hypocrite. Do you know that? All the things I've said are done mostly unintentionally and I strived to change for the better. On the other hand, you're just lying your way through. Save the hassle of trying to be a "nice" person when your actions speak louder than words, my friend.

You told me that I was immature, spoilt, naive, clingy and depressed. Ok. So the truth hurts, but what doesn't kill me makes me stronger right? You, on the other hand, may seem to be all so perfect - judging others and lying so that the person would not have to end up this way. You are just a fucking hypocrite. I've tried to be nice and make you feel happy but you end up abusing this and further more, using me. You don't fucking care. What is the point of being nice when you are so not being friends. That was my aim.

Let's see. You scrutinized me for stealing/using your friends. What about mine? They may not be as close to me but you've just taken over my friends. Congratulations. You don't like public display of affection. You hugged a tipsy girl as if she was your GF. Do you care about your ex? No. You didn't care when I disappeared. You wouldn't know whether I was dead or alive or whether I was sick or not. Did you know where I was when you left me on my own? I was sick and almost as drunk as your friend and was in the toilet for most of the time. Admit it! You just don't care.

I asked you if you wanted to go for a walk and relax somewhere with me as a nice gesture. You declined it by stating you want to stay home and sleep. Where are you now? You're not even home. You said you needed to do laundry. What happened then?

Although in my heart, I am still in love. There will always be a point where enough is enough. You're just a fucking hypocrite. Just tell me the truth for once. You can't see it but if I told you what other people thought of you too, you'd be surprised. But yet again, I know you don't care. Cause that's the way you are. You tried to change me. Have you tried changing yourself? That in itself is just plain, pure hypocrisy. Open your eyes, and see what you have done wrong in yourself.

Just don't cause so much pain for me. My heart breaks each time you do this kind of shit. I'm just so sick of it but I just can't let you go. I've tried. It's not working. Someone please tell me how to remove my heart and bury it deep down the depths of Davy Jones' Locker. I hate you as much as I still am much deeply in love.

Metro City Clubbing

It's been so long since someone actually brought a camera down to the clubbing arena. Hell, I sure don't bother bringing mine anymore when all I want to do is drink and dance the night away and the camera is just an extra bothersome thing to be carrying around whilst you're squeezing your way through the crowd and I don't think I'd like to drop my camera by accident onto Metro City's sticky dancing floor or prob get it wet when some idiot accidently spills his drink swaggering his way across.

However, it was a different night that night. I bumped into almost everyone I know within the uni circle in Metro City. I met up with my class mate Li Ying and my friend Fei there. Guess who else I bumped into? Gustave, the whole CS group and other ex-classmates of mine! Wow. It's surprising how many people you know. But unfortunately, just only close enough to say hi-bye.

You Know What Love Is?

It's so funny how life changes so fast. How things turn either fantastically or horribly the next second or day? I know what I said is the "I-know-you-don't-have-to-tell-me-common-sense-thing" but just let me have my moments of reflection.

What about hope? Hope is what drives me, you, all of us. So does faith. Faith in what you're doing so you can continue having hope. I thought I had hope. Apparently I was wrong. When I sunk to a point where my life or existence didn't matter to me anymore, you where there. For a while, I thought that 'Hey, maybe it's not so bad. Having someone to care, love and look after you'. I thought that I could let my guard down and get to be pampered. Some thing I've been longing for. However, what you might not understand can turn someone's hope in to dust.

Sure, I may be childish, irresponsible, a-bit-clingy, attention wanting. After all, I am still a kid. Technically still 18.

I crave to be loved. To be loved as I have loved. Whether one sees it, well.. it's up to them hey? It's also funny how people can complain about their past and not having receive love from the person they love and cherish. And when there's someone to love you unconditionally, you can't see it. You just don't love them nor appreciate it. You take them for granted.

On the other hand, no matter how you mistreat us, we'll still be there. Waiting for every chance to get closer to you. To have you near, hoping to hold you close although it pains us to know that may never come. To hear your woes, your anger, your silent screams, your frustrations. We love you unconditionally, for who you are and your flaws. People may tell us to leave you. To find someone better cause we deserve someone better. But it's so hard to let go. Having to kill the one thing that motivates us to breathe. You may think it's a childish, immature thing to say but for some, it's the only thing that keeps us moving. Having lost that, is like walking around in the dark, stripped senseless of direction, emotion and motivation.

Love. You cannot. I repeat. Cannot love someone partially. It's either you do or you don't. Despite the fact that the person may drive you up the wall occasionally. After awhile you look past these things and see the inner beauty. Look on the good side. We are all imperfect but somewhere inside there's something good in all of us. Love is when you can look past these flaws and love them for who they are.

Love. You care about the person unconditionally. Whether they are near or far. You want to spend time with them. Cuddle with them. Do things together. Even simple things like spending a night watching a movie at home or out for a walk. You try. Cause for all these effort, in the end you know it's worth it, having the person you love beside you and with you. That's the reason why some complain their partner is clingy or too attached. We want to spend time with you, every minute, every day, every second. Sure we all need personal spaces, so make time to go out with your friends. We all do. Hell, even I would complain if I couldn't see my friends.

Love. Is a learning process. It may be my first but if you love a person. Teach them. Grow with them. That is what makes you stronger. Makes us stronger if we learn. If you don't teach us, how will we ever learn? Go through the pain one after another and learn it the hard way? If you can, at least show us the way so our future prospects of relationship does not have to be as painful as this.

Love. Do not lie about it. Do not say it due to stress/peer pressure/guilt/etc. You're doing harm for both yourself and the other. If it's not love, still do not lie about wanting to be together and thinking of a future. It gives us hope. Do it out of your own initiation. Cause you want to. You do not know how much it hurts when on the other side, we realise that it was all just a lie. It hurts even more when we're in love with you. It's as bad as someone telling someone close to you has just died in an accident. Or a knife being stabbed in your heart. Yes. You can literally feel the pain and loss and hurt from the lies when we all thought it was the truth.

And even what we went through hurts like hell and thought that we would hate you. No. Being in love with you takes away all the negativity. All the lies. And even if you were to continue telling the lie of loving us. We would accept it readily. That is how much love I'm talking about. Tell us all the lies as long as you'll be here beside us.

Lovers. You're suppose to be the best friend and something more to us. Where we have no secrets to hide. No past hidden from each other. Trust. And even it is something bad, look forward to the future together. Something that you don't see eye-to-eye with? Discuss calmly, and make the best compromise together and also keeping in mind what your partner has in mind too. No burden is too heavy to bear. And we all have our pet peeves. Don't keep it in til the day comes when you explode and we have no clue what is going on. Love also comes with patience. We all forget once in a while what you don't like or like. All I can say that the key to a healthy relationship is compromising. Alot. And also spending time together whenever you can. Take a date, somewhere romantic once in a while. Money SHOULD NOT be a problem. If you save up 2-dollars a day, by the end of the month there should be enough for even a table somewhere for two. Just don't keep thinking expensive stuff. We'd be even be happy if you could take us out for dinner or a movie once a month. Something special.

Nothing is too much or little when you're in a relationship. It is not an obligation to do somethings. We do it cause we know it makes you happy. So we do it cause we want to make you happy.

Falling out of love. Moving on. Finding someone new. Or time heals. I personally don't believe either one of these is fully true. Somehow, somewhere deep inside. That special person will always remain. And somehow, you'll still love them for the happy memories you once had together. Getting over someone really quickly is just a sign of lust, like or a bit of attraction. Not love. I believe that when you love someone. They'll always be a part of you. The memories are always there.

I don't know how much this will apply to everyone but this is how I feel. I'm still in love despite all the lies and having my heart bled. Only here trying to change myself [although people say never try to change someone and people can't change overnight] so that you'll love me once again. If not now, hopefully in the future. I need hope to carry on for the faith I once had is gone.

From Me to You

It sometimes takes the hard times, to show how much I love you;
Just how much I need to always have you near.
And even though I know it, I still have to learn it.
The hard times help to teach me, just how much I care.

For when the hard times bring us back together
We are always closer than before
Then I realize I love you better, and I am
Thankful for the hard times, that make me love you more.

A lot of things can happen, if we go on together.
We can't know just what, the future has in store.
I'll love you in the glad times, the easy and the sad times.
And even in the hard times, I will love you more.

For when the hard times bring us back together
We are always closer than before
Then I realize I love you better, and I am
Thankful for the hard times, that make me love you more.

If It Was Only A Love Letter.

Even though we fight a lot, I love you.
We fight, I think, because the stakes are high.
I sometimes get so mad I cannot stand you,
But underneath my anger I could cry.
I have an uncontrolled need to control you,
To be your only destiny and guide.
I know it isn't fair to try to mold you,
But my poor love's entangled in my pride.
Ah, love! Please love me even in my fury,
Which rises like a tide beneath the moon.
I plead before my only judge and jury:
I want to change, but know change won't come soon.
Love finds it hard to let the loved one be
The person who is loved so passionately.

Something From Joel. Depressing Shit.

You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

*shakes fist at Joel*

Oh Mi God

OMFG. I can't believe that this blog is dead.

DEAD I TELL YOU!!

Now I'm just going to write about the darnest things that happen in my life. Nope. NO PICTARS FOR YOU (imagine Seinfield and the Soup Nazi voice. If you haven't heard it, you suck).

Holidays are here and the depressing thing is: I'm working. Nice people ask whether I'm going back home for a month or am I going anywhere special. No. I'm glued here. I have to work and pay back loans here and there. Gahhh!

I think if anyone were to ask me what I want right now, my obvious answer is a GOOD trip away from all of this. Even for a week it'd be nice. Somewhere with no worries and just plain good old sight seeing or relaxation. Ahh.. There goes the bubble. It popped. Snapped right back into reality.

I actually really would like to go back to KL for a few days and eat to my heart's content. I'm rather sick of sushi and indomee. I miss good food :(

Ok! That sums up my rant and nonsense for the week.

Human Marvels

Something interesting to read about oddities of nature. The weekend has been fantastic where I don't have to work or do anything. But this also means that time passes slower and I'm running out of movies, so I've decided to read something fun.

http://thehumanmarvels.com/

ENJOY!

The Story of a Girl Who Never Was and Never Will Be

I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGHI AM NOT GOOD ENOUGHI AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

This concludes the Story of a Girl Who Never Was and Never Will Be.

Semester Break From Uni?? Bull Shit I Tell You

So. Just came back from another exhilarating day from uni.

JOY.

This week I finally managed to accomplish a presentation and an essay which I have just handed in today. 2 down and 2 to go.

Dear me.

I was suppose to go on a holiday this coming semester break. Down to New Zealand to visit my mum. But now? I'm stuck here in freaking Dullsville, working my ass off on a month's "break". Farking fantastic.

What the fuck happened to my break?!? I'm not even looking forward to this coming semester break. I just wish someone would just sweep me off my feet and take me somewhere else for once.

Although this year has been a real roller-coaster ride and meeting my girlfriend is one of the better things this year, I still can't help but feel so lethargic, so DEAD. Something deep inside me have already died. I just felt like dying today. Not my usual suicide thoughts but that my body will break anytime soon.

Oh yeah, I forgot to update that my lymph nodes are swollen. The last time this happened was when I suffered from a eating disorder back in 2004. That happened due to the lack of nutrition
I was getting. This time? I suspect either I worked too many hours, the lack of sleep and food or my smoking habit. I doubt smoking as if it were to happen, it would have happened a year ago. Now, it's a size of a small freaking marble.

I'm popping pills like Dr. Gregory House. Codeine infused pain-killers and Difflam lozenges.

GIVE ME A FUCKING GOOD SURPRISE FOR ONCE YEAH?

SOMETHING TO FREAKING CHEER ME UP!

I have been saying this for a long time, but I guess no one notices it anyways. Not like anyone notices me.

Man Soup?

From correspondents in Berlin
May 18, 2009 07:49am

A GERMAN worker was boiled alive in an empty industrial-sized soup vat while trying to clean it, tabloid newspaper Bild reported.

The 36-year-old, named only as Markus, was scrubbing the two-metre-high pot when the lid accidentally closed, automatically starting the jets of boiling water used to disinfect vegetables.

"For reasons we have still not cleared up, the disinfection process started too soon," a police spokesman told the paper. By the time the unfortunate worker was found, he was already dead, Bild reported.

The factory in Luebeck in northern Germany, which employs around 200 people, has been "provisionally closed," according to its owners, Erasco - a subsidiary of US soup-maker Campbell's.

http://www.news.com.au/perthnow/story/0,21598,25498956-5008620,00.html

Lost Independence?

Oh dear.

Mother is moving over. Til I graduate and find a job. I wonder how restricting she'll be?

Other than that, it's good. I don't need to cook for myself and buy the weekly groceries and financial issues. Good being a parasite again for the current situation.

However, I'm going to miss smoking and spending 7 days at my girlfriend's place.

Compromise. Compromise. Compromise.

She's Living My Dream!

Wow. Wow. Wow.

Talk about living the dream I've always wanted. I stumbled upon this blog whilst doing my blogroll.

A forensic student from Murdoch University in Perth, now flight attendant for Emirates.

MY DREAM!!

Here's one quote I've found which I'm going to live by and can use it as a good come-back when some other Asian family member is going to be snobby and scrutinize about my preferred choice of work. Especially for Michael. Here's to you and your flight attendant theory. Suck on it!

"I get to go to places such as these and get paid for it."

Your sons/daughters might be doctors/lawyers/etc.. But how many places will you see in your life? If you're going to say that they are getting paid more than me, I agree, but by the time you save up and see the same places that I'm going to go in my career life, you'll be fucking old! bwahahaha you're not going to enjoy the partying side of it :D

Too Busy For Anything?

To be frank, it's been a long time since I've blogged and actually put up any photos. Since the financial breakdown, there has been an overload on work, assignments and spending time with my girlfriend. I personally feel so exhausted these days, I don't even have the energy and time for clubbing or stroll down the city [personal stress relief strategy].

Urgh.

I really, really miss 2008. Where I could just go anywhere I like, have a cup of bubble tea or coffee in one hand and just stroll without having the stress or worries of life. Now, it's the complete opposite.

work, uni, work, uni, work after uni, work.....

The viscious cycle continues

I'm just so tired. Tired of uni and of work. But I cannot let go. I feel like I'm being muffled with a pillow whilst screaming. So restricted. So so sick.
And to add to my personal dilemma, I can't do the things I want to do like clubbing, going to karaoke or have a good beer and fries down at the Little Creatures Brewery in Fremantle. Why? Cause I don't have the financial liberty to do so. Even if I have, I don't have the time. On Sundays I just sleep cause I'm just so freaking lethargic.

Energy drinks will be the death of me.

Thank you Vern and Mum.

You're the only reason I'm still here.

This is Why You Shouldn't Use Wikipedia as a Source

For all you people who Wiki-away. Read this before you assume all you see on Wikipedia is true. You should know that by now, unless you're as thick as a brick wall.

AN Irish student's fake quote on the Wikipedia online encyclopedia has been used in newspaper obituaries around the world, the Irish Times reports.

Taken from Perthnow.com.au

The quote was attributed to French composer Maurice Jarre who died in March.

Shane Fitzgerald, 22, a final-year student studying sociology and economics at University College Dublin, told the newspaper he placed the quote on the website as an experiment when doing research on globalisation.

He quoted Oscar-winning composer Jarre as saying, "One could say my life itself has been one long soundtrack. Music was my life, music brought me to life, and music is how I will be remembered long after I leave this life.

"When I die there will be a final waltz playing in my head, that only I can hear."

The quote was posted on Wikipedia shortly after Jarre's death and later appeared in obituaries in major British, Indian and Australian newspapers.

Mr Fitzgerald told the newspaper he picked Wikipedia because it was something a lot of journalists look at and it can be edited by anyone.

While he was wary about the ethical implications of using someone's death as a social experiment, he had carefully generated the quote so as not to distort or taint Jarre's life, he said.

Mr Fitzgerald said he was shocked by the result of his experiment.

"I didn't expect it to go that far. I expected it to be in blogs and sites, but on mainstream quality papers? I was very surprised about," he said.

He said the hoax remained undiscovered for weeks until he emailed the newspapers that had been deceived to tell them that they had published an inaccurate quote.

The Irish Times said that despite some newspapers removing the quote from their websites or carrying a correction and the fact that it had been dropped by Wikipedia, it remained intact on dozens of blogs, websites and newspapers.

Smile

You comfort me when I'm down.

You understand how I feel and how I think.

You're helping me to get through the hardest period in my life.

You do the smallest things that I take into consideration and am grateful for it.

You have a place in my heart.

I can't wait for the day that I will be in yours.

I will be waiting ever so patiently.

Just wish it will come sooner.

Cause I will give you everything.

"And will she see, how much she means to me?"

Guess I'm never Good Enough

Don't need to explain.

I already know I'm not good enough at anything or for anyone.

Sorry to let you down.

Photoshop Assignment Complete - Amy Lee

Wowee. What can I say? Within the short period of 6 weeks instead of the normal 12-13 week course duration, I have actually learned how to use Photoshop properly. Last year, I didn't even know how to use Photoshop. I was better in Paint than in Photoshop! This reminds me as to how ignorant I am at times but at least you know then that I do NOT Photoshop my photos cause I didn't know how to!

Digital Visualizing was a pretty tough course. They taught you the basics of Photoshop on the first day for like 1 and a 1/2 hours and the rest of the class was left for us students to start on our first project!!

Surprisingly, I got 18/20 (with a little help from my good friend ^_^) for the first assignment. The second one in which I received no help at all, I don't even want to know the marks. For the final one, I can't wait to see the marks XD

I'll just blog about the most interesting one and although you might be thinking as to WHY I'm blogging about Photoshop I don't really care. It's for my own personal ego boost that I need now and then, so "Meh" to you as to why you think this post is so lame.

Ok. Ok. I shall cut straight to it. I had to choose a person [whomever I liked, in this case Amy Lee], draw her in Photoshop from scratch and choose a background that is sorta suitable and render the background in using filters so that it loses the photographic quality of the photo. And most importantly, put your name on the front.

Comments welcome! (o^_^0)

Things Come But It Mostly Goes Away..

For one thing I've learnt about you, I really can't trust everything that you've said. I hope someday maybe you'll wake up and see how to do things responsibly and take measures for your actions.

I've also learnt that if you like someone to a certain extent, you can't hate them,;they chose the other. But learn to let go. I finally understand what it's like to let someone go and get some satisfaction in knowing that they're happy and you take all the burden to yourself.

Is that a sacrifice coming from me?

Perphaps.

But I also think I deserve better.

You're just case No. 2.

When will I learn from my mistakes?

Mandurah Crab Festival

Crab Festival.

Sounds tempting doesn't it.

Well, crab as in crustaceans not the parasites that some may find in their pubic region. Goddamn you perverts.

Jeremy invited me for this event and I accepted his invitation in hope of getting crab. Sadly, there wasn't much crab to go around since only ONE store sold crab.

Urgh. So much for crabs.

But on the other end, Jeremy, Marissa and I enjoyed the atmosphere of the Festival. We went for food sampling, not to mention, wine tasting as well.

By the end of the day, we were all sticky, sweaty and long for a good night's rest. Marissa couldn't handle it either and snoozed when we sent her back.

I fell asleep in Jeremy's car. The embarassing part - he took a shot of me sleeping with his iPhone whilst driving. I woke up due to the noise but thankfully it wasn't a shot of me with my mouth open/drooling T_T

Damn you Jeremy! *shakes fist*

Cirque Du Soleil - Dralion

Things seemed to have improved so far. I had the best time so far coming into 2009. My friend and I decided to go to the Cirque Du Soleil show in Perth [they've extended the show!] and I had discounts [apparently] if you buy them online. However, Netbank decided to fuck up last minute and we wanted to watch it desperately.

The show was at 8.00pm and it was 7.50pm.

10 minutes?

It's never too late!!

We sped all the way from South Perth to Langley Park, parked in the most expensive parking area [$10AUD for the miserly 2 hours] and ran inside to the ticketing counter and paid the full price of $89AUD each. [Thanks to friend-who-does-not-wish-to-be-named paid for me first]. Although the seats looked far from the stage, it was pretty close.

Live music performed along with circus acts = magical! From all the shows I've watched on TV, watching it live kicks ass. Not to mention, the A/C inside the tent was superb [FYI I love my ventilation].

If you don't know much about Dralion, the theme was the mix of the East meeting West. But personally, most of the costumes were mostly Asian based with infusions of Red, Gold, Yellow and Black. Some of the stunts were unseen before in the other shows which made me go "WOW".

In addition, if you're a fan of the Cirque Du Soleil music genre, this one is just as fab. What can I say, I love it!!!!

Souvenirs was a must. Although they are ridiculously over-priced for something like a key-ring [I collect key-rings and I bought 2 thinking it was a cheaper souvenir.... Boy, was I wrong. 2 keyrings costed me $36AUD. $18AUD each???]. If I was any richer and had money to spare [like last year] I would have gotten myself an authentic mask from them. They are wicked!

I came home feeling very satisfied. One of my many small dreams coming true :)

When I arrived, there was more good news! I've gotten tickets from Nuffnang AUS for the show "He's Just Not That Into You". They were giving out 25 x 2 passes to go see the show. Guess not many bloggers joined the competition. All the better for me!

Moreover, to add to my delight, I received my little BUDTRAPS. They are simply small devices which allows you to store your iPod cords tangle-free! I was suppose to pay $2USD for the postage but realised that my Paypal account only had $2AUD [$1AUD short] and decided to pay later. Who knew that they've already sent it without me paying? I basically got it FOC. They not only send 1 but 3 additional ones [4 all together! HOORAY!] supposedly for you to give them out to your friends [a marketing scheme I suppose]. But I'm just too miserly and only gave one out and decided to keep the rest for myself.

Best day in 2009! 3 March

Zombified

I can see the pattern already for 2009.

My blog is going to be so blank.

No photos.

No.

Nothing.

Nil.

All I do nowadays is wake up, work, come home, relax, sleep.

And the cycle continues.

Fun isn't it?

Welcome to 2009.

Imagine when uni starts.

I can already imagine the cycle.

It goes like this: Wake up, work, go to lectures/tutorials, come home, study (finish any assignments or homework) and sleep.

Cycle repeats itself the next day.

Joy..

Curtin University, Here I Come!!!

Ironic, but I'm finally getting into uni!
Have to add as a 2nd year student.
Bwahahaahaha indeed.

Bitch in Me

Another entry on ranting. Boy, I do love to rant don't I? It's probably the fact that I can't rant out loud in person that I have to rant it out here. Why not?

I've been feeling really tired lately, and yesterday I actually managed to sleep for 16 hours. Unbelievable.

Went out clubbing yesterday at Metro City with Vern Tee. I don't know why, but clubbing doesn't feel the same for me anymore. Not that I have been out clubbing for long. It's just that maybe I don't really enjoy dancing. And with recent tummy upsets, I can't hold drinks in my stomach long either. They normally end up in the toilet bowl 10 minutes after I've drank them. Such a waste of alcohol.

And then today. Sunday. I hate Sundays. It's like the end of the weekend and you just know you have to wake up and go to work tomorrow. Damn, I do miss 2008, where I didn't need to work and had no worries about financial issues at all. I like my job, but when you have to put on a fake smile to greet customers, that's so wrong. Customer service. Mm.. So hard to put on a fake smile when you're like an empty bowl of expressions.

"You need more friends". Humph. Fuck to those who even think about these kind of responses. You don't know. Friends are so temporary and you don't even know who are "friends" or should I say acquintances? People I know? Urgh what gets me frustrated is that some only give oral advice. I'm like "TAKE IT ALL BACK". I don't need oral advice. Seriously. Call me an ungrateful bitch.

So what? Sue me.

Do you think I'm stupid or something that I have not thought about the alternatives. All you can do is sit there and repeat what I've already thought of. Now that's just plain fucking annoying.

Those who have offered to fork out money, I thank you now. Waleed, Tony and another friend. I thank you for your sincerity and trust. I have to thank Tony especially since I only knew him for a few months and through Lin Hu. The money is all sorted out now so it's fine.

Come to think of it. I think I shall label most people I know as acquintances. That is a more suitable term for those that I know.

What else.. gee. So much to rant and hence this weird order. I just type what ever I'm thinking right now.

Oh. I nearly forgot.

Valentine's Day.

I should not be thinking about this now, but sooner or later, when that day approaches, it's going to hit me. So why not rant about it now?

It's a festival to mock singles. Seriously. You stare as couples go by and walk by hand-in-hand.

Humph.

Girls get showered with the boyfriend's attention and vice-versa and all the lovey-dovey crap they have on display. You argue - what about family?

Ahem. My mother is a thousands of miles away and I'm here alone?

GAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. This lonely part of me is killing me. Eating me up from the inside. All people can say is MAKE MORE FRIENDS. WELL HOW ABOUT I TELL YOU NOW THAT NOT ALOT OF "FRIENDS" ARE WILLING TO SACRIFICE THEIR TIME TO SPEND IT WITH ME WHEN THEY HAVE EITHER WORK, THEIR SPOUSE OR OTHER FRIENDS TO KEEP THEM OCCUPIED.

WTF lah. Friends. How long can they keep you company when they have problems of their own or other friends. They can't be with you 24/7.

I think I'm going nuts here. My mental health has deteriorated from the recent crisis and on top of this, I have no one PHYSICALLY to turn to.

One can only last that long.

Good news at last!

The money came in today! It's a tad bit short, but I'm sure I'll be able to fork out another $100 :)

Hoorah!

Curtin University, here I come!

Sally's Song

I sense there's something in the wind
That feels like tragedy's at hand
And though I'd to stand by him
Can't shake this feeling that I have
The worst is just around the bend

And does he notice... my feelings for him?
And will he see? How much he means to me.
I think it's not to be.

What will become of my dear friend
Where will his actions lead us then?
Although I'd like to join the crowd
In their enthusiastic cloud
Try as I may, it doesn't last.

And will we ever... end up together?
No I think not
It's never to become
For I am not the One..

Listing what is possible to Achieve

Let's see.

No one can possibly loan me $10k straight up. Why not break it down then? I can pay it back all on the 20th Feb and the distance between the 11th and the 20th is 9 days. Give it 10.

For the record, I think zomfgwtfbbq can vouch that I don't even enjoy people paying for my dinner or lunch. I do not like being in debt. Nor do I enjoy going around asking for money. I guess this is how fucking desperate I am, going around asking if people are willing to chip in their bit to try to make this thing work.

Secondly, going back to Malaysia is the worst case scenario that could ever happen to me. 3 years worth of junk. Moving back is a waste of time and money [if I have to ship it all back to KL] and not to mention the re-application fees of $400AUD or RM1200 for the stupid student visa. Ok. This is as my last option.

I'll be popping in to Curtin to ask [if not plead] for an extension and grant me my enrolment before payments. If they say yes, hallelujah. If not, back to square one. But what I know from my previous experience with CIC, is that they gave a shit load and shot me with questions about my fees and it was only cause I had proof that I paid that they allowed my enrolment. Imagine not paying at all, and still asking for extension!

Crap.

Cibai betul.

I'm not so pissed cause I've got my friend's AC, which retained my sanity.

Ok, ok. I might be wallowing in self-pity. So sue me.

Mesha,
is hardening-the-fuck-up. And apparently is kulit tebal.

Just When You Think You're Almost There..

...you fall back to the black, stenching pit of doom. Urgh. How fucking frustrating.

Mother told me the wrong date in which the term deposit was supposed to end. Earlier she stated 8th and now when she checked back it was the 18th! Uni starts on the 16th.

Back to square one, but can't blame my mum. She's trying her hardest to support me now and it's unfair on her to lose interest that she's been waiting to harvest for the last 8 months.

Haiz. Now I have to find people who are willing to lend me $10,300 AUD for a period of 10 days. But how many people are willing AND is able to lend me that amount of money? Not many. Well, I guess, breaking the sum down plan to a reasonable amount to be borrowed might work, if I had only more close friends that has trust in me.

So far, I've found one. Waleed. But don't know how much he's willing to fork out for the time being. We shall have to see. :(

True Friends only exist in Fairytales

I've been watching Heart of Greed for the past month now and I realise there's something that is so hard to get in this world.

True friends.

How this drama is related to the topic of real friends is shown between the friendship between the main characters Sheung Choi Sum and Tong Chi On (Tak-tak tei). Choi Sum's problems seems to occur throughout the drama, but since she has became friends with Chi On, he has always been at her side, pulling her through sticky situations.

What reminded me of my current position, was when Choi Sum's irresponsible, elder brother used her to loan money from a company and she was stuck in a financial dilemma, Chi On lended her the amount of money. No questions asked! And the amount ain't little either.

Although Chi On is from a really well-off family and can afford to lend her the money, where do you find a friend that would lend you that amount of money. The amount of trust that he has (they had only been friends for a relatively short period of time) for her is immense.

Which also leads me to think how people view me as? For those that had lent me money, I returned as soon as I had it. I guess $10,000 AUD is too much to ask and I don't have friends that would lend that amount to me anyways (or don't trust me enough with that amount).

Well, I can't really say either that I don't have any good or close friends. But the extent of their help is limited. Ok, ok I'm grateful for the friends that I have, but I guess I've been watching too much of this drama that I expect more from friends.

Or is it cause I don't really have any? Who are willing to spend the time to pull me through. I know I'd do the same for them.

The most credit I have to give to are Bel and Jeremy. They've listened to my shit and at least made an effort in trying to get me not so emo so I can retain my sanity. Also have to thank Francis for the dinner tonight. I can keep the left over risotto for tomorrow night! Yay!

Moreover, to finish off this post. I have deleted most of my Malaysian "friends" or should I say classmate off my MSN. I wouldn't call them friends. More like people I know. No, I'm not a bitch, but I think it's clogging my MSN and a waste of space when they make no effort in keeping contact with me (oh, yes I've tried it for the first year I came here. I had to initiate every fucking conversation or e-mail.). Hence you're so not worth my space or time. Some people don't mind it but I think that's just frustrating. So, Nice knowing you but GTGTHXBB

Mesha,
Still at the brink of sanity.

Screw Up

Oh yes.

My biggest fear has come true.

I bombarded his emails.
No response.

And if you think that isn't desperate enough, I called and left him some 6 miss calls and one voicemail.

No response.

I chat him up on Skype.

No response.

This is fucking great isn't it? Someone I thought was reliable, now screwed me over. Please, if you didn't want to support, say it to my face. Don't leave me hanging here. If he had excuses with personal or business problems, at least tell me so I don't have to put up with this kind of shit. At least then I'll have a clear plan as to what I can do to save my own sorry ass.

I've been panicking although there is nothing I can do. The feeling of hopelessness is making me lose it. Nothing else has brought me to this exact feeling right now. Not even me failing the IB and had so much problems with the uni applications.

It's Friday night your time. Banks are closed and what the fuck am I going to do now?

This is Mesha.
And she is screwed..

HELP?

I think this will be the most personal and insecure blog I have written in a very long time. Now that I look back, I can see how immature I have been over the past few years. For once in my life, I feel so hopeless and insecure about my future.

Some of you that knows me personally might perceive me to be this kinda cheerful girl that rambles on complete bullshit at times.

I am not her. That's just an image that I hold to disguise who I am on the inside.

My sponsor hasn't been responding to the emails I sent concerning my uni fees and I told him that it has to be sent this week. I told him somewhat 2 weeks prior as to how much I need and that it has to be in by this week.

Nope. No response.

I don't know who to turn to and how to react. I am somewhat in a shock state.

The fees aren't due yet, but I must say it's soon. Soon as in February 10, 2009 soon. The total cost of my semester fees? $9,600AUD.

Yup. That's a shitload of money and if he doesn't send, I'm pretty much fucked. My mother has offered to send me some if it has come down to that situation, but she's financially tight too. AND that money that she is offering comes from her own savings. Taking that out from the term deposit means she is going to lose somewhat $2000AUD worth of interest. For that reason alone, I do not want to financially burden my mother. She has already gone through enough for me. But that the hell am I going to do?

She's already in a panicking stage and so am I.

Where the fuck am I going to get that kind of money if he doesn't send?

It's partially my fault. I look back and see how stupidly I wasted my money on unnecessary items that I do not really need. It was just a "I want" attitude that I had and now I'm sitting here full of regret, frustration and the only thing I can do is sit here and PRAY that he sends it soon. Even next week would be great.

But to prepare myself, I have to think of the worst scenario. What the fuck am I going to do?

I don't have any real friends that I can seek for help. And even if I really do, who's going to give me a loan of $10,000AUD?

None right?

I used to rant about stupid things such as I'm single blah blah blah, which is true, but in the end, it is not as huge as the situation I'm in.

Omg. I'm literally breaking down due to the panick attacks I'm getting every few hours when I'm not distracted by work and other house chores.

I really am alone in this situation. The only thing that drives me forward is that I have only myself to rely on and not break down. I have to be strong.

It's not like I have a choice anyways. If it's not me that is holding myself together, who will? Who will sit together with me and get me through this rough patch?

No one.

I still can't believe I'm actually getting into a uni and it's only a short 2 years away of completing my degree and I have to be in this situation. Fucking great isn't it?

If I don't enrol, the case would be that I'd get kicked out of Australia and try to reapply for the semester in June/July. The problem is: Where the hell am I going to store 3 years worth of stuff that has been accumulated over the 3 years that I have been here in Australia?

Like I said, I don't have that many close friends here that will pull me out of this shit!

My god. My child-like behaviour last year has really taken it's toll on me, and I'm definately beating myself up for that stupid mistake.

But no use crying over spilt milk. The deed is done.

Thankfully, [thanks to Kelvin], I have a great part-time job at the cafe in the university that is sustaining me for the time being. That's what I'm living off at the moment. There's barely enough food at home too in this point of time. I feel so degraded and this IS how low I am.

Zomfgwtfbbq normally uses a quote "Harden the Fuck Up". Believe me I am. That's the quote that's holding me together now.

Mesha is no longer the girl you think you know.

I'm someone... else.

Overall, I guess this is a lesson. To be wise financially. And also, how alone I am when I'm in shit.