Day after day after day, I lie in my bed thinking over and over what I'm going to do in the future. At first, it seems so glorious the prospect of getting to study overseas and I dreamt. Yes, I dreamt the days that I would be spending in UK on my own. Those spectacular day-dreams left me determined to get what I want but then I woke up.
Waking up to the real world was a shock for me. Everything in my life seemed surreal. Nothing was what it seemed. Time passes and things changed around me so drastically but I failed to realise it. I was so caught up in my own fantasy world that nothing seemed too important. Everything lost its sense of urgency. My own fantasies killed me.
You might be thinking that I'm depressed and unsatisfied and have no reason to be. Well, the truth is - No matter how lucky you are, we humans tend to be unsatisfied.
But don't get me wrong. I'm happy for what has happened to me today but now this is my release of all regrets and sorrow.
What's my sorrow? My deepest and greatest fear is not going anywhere. I no it's no use crying over spilt milk but a girl can release her emotions can't she? If I fail, I'm almost half doomed. This is the story why: (WARNING! Long story ahead. Continue if you're interested)
Arriving in Australia in mid 2005, I was happy to know that I was able to start afresh. A new life. A new country. A new school. A new start. A new beginning. I was happy with everything I had and my mother was there beside me. Until trouble came along. This Australian opportunity was given to me by my mother's ex-boyfriend, Michael. However, relationships isn't as pleasant as it seems. To cut things short, my mother had an argument and called the relationship off, but of course this didn't really affected our stay as it was my education and he was promised to take care of it. However, things began to change with this break-up.
My mother became depressed and became extremely moody and to take frustration out, she'd snap at every little thing I do. She was never like that. Or probably the fact that she had never lived with me for such long periods at a time (Reminder: She was a flight attendent and wasn't constantly home.) that took its toll on her. I beared it all inside.
School became a little refuge from mum, where it was nice to just concentrate on me. Everything was different here, everything SO much easier. We had less subjects (6 at the most) and exams were held at the end of each term. But after that term, everything that we had learnt isn't required again. That's right. We ONLY had to study for the term's work and nothing more. But with such easy work loads, doesn't mean that it's good. It meant no university prospects overseas.
At the mean time, mum went to a psychologist and got some anti-depressents that kept her in a good mood. Then life didn't seem too bad after all. In school then, I had a friend in PE class called Tika and we would hang out. Coincidently, her father is also single at that time and we went for movies, originally just the 2 of us but it ended up being 4 (her dad and my mum decided to join). Things happen and with mum's depression..Well let's say they had a relationship. I did not like it one bit.
I enjoyed my time with my mother as I didn't spend alot of time with her. And as childish as I was, I was jealous of the attention taken away from me. I became a melancholy child and people could not understand. Especially my mother. Once she said that I should be grateful for everything and stop being selfish in interfering with her life.
But they all don't understand. I am grateful but just not showing it. She could not understand why I wanted attention. Lost time needed to be made up for. But she doesn't know. Instead of all the constant arguments that we had (that resulted disasterously - I lost my trip to Europe cause I didn't want to go to the meeting. Rather stupid really.) I just took it all with my little fantasy world. I just learned to smile and accept anything that comes without any serious thought.
Then I did the most stupid thing in my life - I took the IB course. Apparently with this Diploma you can go to any university in the world as it is world recognised. SURE..
Here's the catch:
- You have to have 150 hours of community service called CAS. Stands for Creativity, Action and Service. Ok, that was alright but I personally wouldn't say pleasant.
- You have to do a Theory of Knowledge (TOK) essay with a 1600 word limit. That sucked. I got a D. But at least I didn't fail.
- A 4000 word essay to be completed over the course of the 2 years. Mine was: How British colonialism affect the immigration of the different ethic groups in to Malaya between 1786 -1920. Got a B. Not bad.
- You have to choose 3 Higher Level subjects and 3 Standard Level.
- As the results are rated from 7 to 1, 7 being the highest, you have to get 24 points over all to pass the course. (That means you need to get at least a 4 in each subject)
- Also needed to pass, you have to get at least 12 points in your Higher Level subjects.
So now you know it. The "fantastic" course that allows you to go overseas. Did I mention it is SO easy to fail it?
My plan B is actually just applying for a local Australian uni. Why? Malaysia is less likely to take me as I don't have a SPM result and my Malay is almost gone. *Sigh*
No comments:
Post a Comment