+Solitude+

Solitude - is it my curse? For years I have pondered on the thoughts that I was just a normal kid living a normal life. Perphaps not. Being an only child to my mother who was a single mum, I learned to be selfish, only thinking of myself. Another factor contributing to my selfishness is my grandparents. I don't blame them but their love and undivided attention to me, as I was their only grandchild living with them (my cousins are all the the United States), they spoiled me to the limits. I was this fat (literally) spoiled brat who couldn't do anything for myself, knowing that my grandmother will always rush to my aid. I look back..ashamed.

My mother worked as a flight attendent to support herself and me and this job required some time away from home. I only got to see her during her time off, which she spent recovering from the long hall flights. She'd bring gifts of exotic foods and presents from places in which she'd been. With all those presents, they act as a replacement of quality time. Yet again, I cannot blame her for she needed to survive. We needed to survive.

As I reminisce about my past, I remember drawing. I seek a refuge for the lonely world and my drawings become my fantasy. I drew imaginary friends and things that I would do with them.

That's why when people ask how my drawing has become what it is today, I would say that

"Practice Makes Perfect"

Until today, whenever the world becomes to harsh for me to bear, I pull out a piece of paper and draw. I draw and I draw and draw till I draw no more.

I'm by nature a rather quiet person. Some of my friends think that I'm a chatterbox. That's when I try too hard to fit in and just keep on chatting till my true nature disappears. Isn't that what they want? A party goer? One that brings up issues and laughs and make the atmosphere seem lively? People are so shallow into the real life. Some can't accept me for who I am. This doesn't only apply to me but to the other people of the world who are rejected based on their clothing or possessions. Maybe we're not like you. We're just normal people who just wants to seek true friendship.

So there it is. My lies. I've said all that you want to hear but yet you cannot hear me screaming to this day. To think of it, I have no true friends- those that holds and cherish you even through thick and thin. We were close at times but not always. I just want someone to actually care and think of me and not just pop up and call me whenever they are short of someone. A replacement. Great. Just GREAT.

My mother has been telling me for years that you cannot live alone. I strived to prove her wrong. I thought that one can live without the help of others. Independently. I now admit that I'm wrong. Inside now I know truly know that without the comfort of the friendship of others, I cannot survive. I'm so sad on the inside but now I put on a mask with a smile set intact so that no one knows that I'm crying on the inside. Will someone rescue me? Will someone ever say that I've made an impact on their lives and will always be there for me?

I long to know the answer