Plan B

So. The story of my life. Is it going to be over with just these results? I seriously don't know.
Day after day after day, I lie in my bed thinking over and over what I'm going to do in the future. At first, it seems so glorious the prospect of getting to study overseas and I dreamt. Yes, I dreamt the days that I would be spending in UK on my own. Those spectacular day-dreams left me determined to get what I want but then I woke up.


Waking up to the real world was a shock for me. Everything in my life seemed surreal. Nothing was what it seemed. Time passes and things changed around me so drastically but I failed to realise it. I was so caught up in my own fantasy world that nothing seemed too important. Everything lost its sense of urgency. My own fantasies killed me.

You might be thinking that I'm depressed and unsatisfied and have no reason to be. Well, the truth is - No matter how lucky you are, we humans tend to be unsatisfied.
But don't get me wrong. I'm happy for what has happened to me today but now this is my release of all regrets and sorrow.

What's my sorrow? My deepest and greatest fear is not going anywhere. I no it's no use crying over spilt milk but a girl can release her emotions can't she? If I fail, I'm almost half doomed. This is the story why: (WARNING! Long story ahead. Continue if you're interested)

Arriving in Australia in mid 2005, I was happy to know that I was able to start afresh. A new life. A new country. A new school. A new start. A new beginning. I was happy with everything I had and my mother was there beside me. Until trouble came along. This Australian opportunity was given to me by my mother's ex-boyfriend, Michael. However, relationships isn't as pleasant as it seems. To cut things short, my mother had an argument and called the relationship off, but of course this didn't really affected our stay as it was my education and he was promised to take care of it. However, things began to change with this break-up.

My mother became depressed and became extremely moody and to take frustration out, she'd snap at every little thing I do. She was never like that. Or probably the fact that she had never lived with me for such long periods at a time (Reminder: She was a flight attendent and wasn't constantly home.) that took its toll on her. I beared it all inside.

School became a little refuge from mum, where it was nice to just concentrate on me. Everything was different here, everything SO much easier. We had less subjects (6 at the most) and exams were held at the end of each term. But after that term, everything that we had learnt isn't required again. That's right. We ONLY had to study for the term's work and nothing more. But with such easy work loads, doesn't mean that it's good. It meant no university prospects overseas.

At the mean time, mum went to a psychologist and got some anti-depressents that kept her in a good mood. Then life didn't seem too bad after all. In school then, I had a friend in PE class called Tika and we would hang out. Coincidently, her father is also single at that time and we went for movies, originally just the 2 of us but it ended up being 4 (her dad and my mum decided to join). Things happen and with mum's depression..Well let's say they had a relationship. I did not like it one bit.

I enjoyed my time with my mother as I didn't spend alot of time with her. And as childish as I was, I was jealous of the attention taken away from me. I became a melancholy child and people could not understand. Especially my mother. Once she said that I should be grateful for everything and stop being selfish in interfering with her life.

But they all don't understand. I am grateful but just not showing it. She could not understand why I wanted attention. Lost time needed to be made up for. But she doesn't know. Instead of all the constant arguments that we had (that resulted disasterously - I lost my trip to Europe cause I didn't want to go to the meeting. Rather stupid really.) I just took it all with my little fantasy world. I just learned to smile and accept anything that comes without any serious thought.

Then I did the most stupid thing in my life - I took the IB course. Apparently with this Diploma you can go to any university in the world as it is world recognised. SURE..
Here's the catch:

1. You have to have 150 hours of community service called CAS. Stands for Creativity, Action and Service. Ok, that was alright but I personally wouldn't say pleasant.
2. You have to do a Theory of Knowledge (TOK) essay with a 1600 word limit. That sucked. I got a D. But at least I didn't fail.
3. A 4000 word essay to be completed over the course of the 2 years. Mine was: How British colonialism affect the immigration of the different ethic groups in to Malaya between 1786 -1920. Got a B. Not bad.
4. You have to choose 3 Higher Level subjects and 3 Standard Level.
5. As the results are rated from 7 to 1, 7 being the highest, you have to get 24 points over all to pass the course. (That means you need to get at least a 4 in each subject)
6. Also needed to pass, you have to get at least 12 points in your Higher Level subjects.

So now you know it. The "fantastic" course that allows you to go overseas. Did I mention it is SO easy to fail it?

My plan B is actually just applying for a local Australian uni. Why? Malaysia is less likely to take me as I don't have a SPM result and my Malay is almost gone. *Sigh*

Negaraku..Tanah Tumpahnya Darahku..

Well. Not really. I wouldn't actually die for my country. Not THAT patriotic.

However I must focus on the bright side of our country. Seriously. I started appreciating Malaysia from a whole new perspective.

Why?

Australia in all its glory has negative issues. Call it Culture Shock or whatever, I'm surprised it lasted till today with Howard's rule. Thankfully he's out and in comes Kevin Rudd, a trustable looking guy that looks as if he just came out from the SouthPark cartoon series. However, I must say he has really tried his best to improve Australia's economy by signing up for the Kyoto Agreement and now is planning to provide every student in Australia with one laptop. Lucky pigs. Why do they always do this when I'm LEAVING????!!!

Here's some of the cartoons from Peter Broelman, a cartoonist that currently works for the Sunshine Coast Daily. Observe Rudd

A recent cartoon of Rudd and Howard during the 2007 election not long ago

An Australian Fact if you're interested that I find shocking:

It's illegal to spank your children

This was my reaction:

So..It's alright if your kids hit you and but then you cannot correct them by spanking them? I'd like to see them in Malaysia then..Oh our glorious cane and rulers that emits a rather joyful spanking sound on naughty children's buttocks, thighs or hands.

Anyways, here's the news if you haven't heard it. My return to my homeland is booked on the:

29th February 2008

Can't wait to eat all my favourite Nasi Lemak and Chow Kuay Tiow..mm..

Andy Warhol Exhibition Brisbane

GoMA, Brisbane: Focus in the Middle

Finally, the day of viewing the famous Andy Warhola's artwork is here. An art gallery which normally is free to outsiders charged us - probably they think that it's a wise idea to invest in this exhibition as many will come from all over Australia to see it. From the internet I was expecting to pay the concession ticket price of $16 AUD as a student. (Yes- despite the fact that I have already graduated high-school, doesn't mean I can't take full advantage of my student card that expires on the 31 of December 2007.) This is until I decided to read the full price list whilst standing stiff bored in the queue. The prices are as following:

• Adult - $20
• Concession - $16


• Children ( Aged 13 -17 years ) - $10


• Children ( Aged 12 years and under) - Free

Left to Right: Entry Ticket, Warhol's Campbell Soup Poster and Marilyn Monroe


Wait...17 years old..$10? And still under the category of Children. I feel so naive to the world again. It reassured me that I'm still a baby in this world of nightmares. My side-effect from Graduation in November certainly haven't worn off yet. I feel so much older but in reality - A big Baby..

The GoMa (Gallery of Modern Art) had Warhol's art of a Cow Wallpaper all over..It looked kinda nice at first but then the overwelming continuous bright pink and yellow gave me a headache to look at. Seriously. A Cow? Reminds me of the Indian culture that is so prominent back in Malaysia - Holy Cow.

Cow WallPaper

His artworks are mostly interesting. I cannot describe how wonderful some are. You have to be there to witness it. Unfortunately for such an exhibition, no photography is allowed. Some of these pics I've posted are from the postcards I managed to purchase from the shop. I also managed to buy a few pins too. And they cost alot! $3 AUD for such small ones. But who am I to complain? It's a once in a life time experience. However this wasn't the end of my souvenir list.


Before we left, Tuuliki, my Estonian friend that came along with me decided to go to this corner for the view where we found this little booth where it took photos and converts it into the different colours and got it sent to our emails. I was like WOW! This was photo booth may have been created due to Warhol's famous quote, "In the Future Everybody Will Be World Famous For Fifteen Minutes."

Left Picture: Tuuliki from Estonia, after eating her cheesecake and thickshake.

Me and Tuuli in Photobooth

Just me in Pop Art

Later, we decided to kill time in Brisbane since we were already there. It has been such a long time since I actually went down to Brisbane. As Christmas is approaching, they had a huge Christmas Tree in the city. It got me into the happy mood and for some reason I missed Christmas as I wasn't allowed to celebrate it anymore (don't ask me why - a long story unless you enjoy it.)

Christmas Tree in Brisbane City

We also came pass these two ladies in angel costumes on stilts. Pretty hilarious really. I mean who doesn't have the urge once in a while to push them over. Ok maybe it's just me.









Left and Right:
Two Angels Cheering People Up Along The Way.

We stopped over at a cafe to rest as Tuuli had this urge for muffins. And may I tell you that when she wants something nothing will stop her. However, when we were looking at the delicious, scrumptious, mouth-watering cakes and muffins, she changed her mind to eat the most fattening thing on display - Cheesecake.

We had a good time talking about life and how it would be SO much EASIER without men. We had similar problems like not getting the guy we liked no matter how much we tried. We were also jealous of couples that were surrounding us. Just makes us feel depressed. Both of us also agreed that we doubt that we'll get married by 45. This may actually be true for me.

End of The Day

Warhol Souvenirs (Everything Else was TOO Expensive to Buy)

My Lost Heart

I've been online so often lately that Mother has even threaten to disconnect my Internet connection. Is that addiction? Maybe or maybe not, the reason behind all these idling and wastefulness of time is due to my extreme boredom. This extreme boredom is a pure result of me finishing high school. I really do not know what to do now. In the midst of packing and selling things I do really want to pick up a course but then I'll be leaving here in a few months time and it will really be no use.

Since Mother pinched the Internet to search for the flight tickets to return back to KL, I was then starting to fidget with my fingers that were so used to now typing. I rummaged through some of my belongings and found a Visual Art Diary. I bought it almost 6 months ago and I had only used up a page of it. I realised that I have not spent time what I do best - Drawing.

Some people will call me emo or goth but who really cares. I draw what I like and no one is going to stop me. I still dwell over the issues of heartaches and depression as I find inspiration for my artworks. Why? I can't explain. I'm just attracted to the Dark side of Death, Blood, Depression and Suicide that comes from Heartaches.

It has been such a long time since anime drawing and I was looking at some of Nikki Wong's work. I admired her since I met her and saw her artworks. She is an amazing anime artist and I can see a promising future in that department. She did inspire me but it was also of her that I had lost all confidence in myself. Why? Because then I did not feel good enough. Then a light appeared to me and then I saw what I failed to see before.

Just because she is better than you doesn't mean you give up. There are people better than you and there will always be people who can do things better than you and that don't let that affect you. Determined, I brought out my Mechanical Pencil (I have always used Mechanical Pencils from Pilot to draw. The reason is that it allowed precision and I think nothing else can replace that for me) and Artliners. Since I cannot paint (lack of confidence in myself and also despise the cleaning work afterwards) I took out my colour pencils.

I remembered how a teacher once said to me that I lacked individuality in my drawings, I made up a character based on me. Me Me ME..Vain? No just that I cannot think of any other characters. I just used what I have to inspire my character. ME.

Little sketches here and there, lightly as to avoid permanent damage to the page, I created my very own me. This book will act as my diary of drawings where my emotions are let free. I also like writing stories or pretend as if I can write as good as any other authors. Then realising the amount of words cannot replace the expression through my drawings, I limited the amount of words used to make it simple. Here just half of my work, it is yet to be complete..It takes alot of time planning, drawing and re-drawing to make sure the right message is sent to the readers.

Sushi In The Making

Japanese Food - Healthy, Appetising, Raw, Delicious.

What more can you ask for? I have always liked Japanese food and especially Sashimi. The only unfortunate thing is that fresh and most importantly clean, raw tuna or salmon costs a fortune to buy. We can just leave it to the professional restaurants to serve them.

I was intrigued about sushi-making and never had the chance to learn. I knew something about wrapping and rolling it using a tatami-like instrument. I was over-joyed when one of the Witness, Jayd, a Zimbabwian girl, invited me over to learn sushi-making. Megumi, one of the other Witness came over to teach us the art of sushi-making.

We had the normal ingredients such as Japanese rice, Sushi Vinegar, Cucumber, Teriyaki Chicken, Tuna, Salmon (Both Tuna and Salmon are canned), Avacado, Seaweed, and Soy Sauce. The process of cooking the Teriyaki Chicken, the cutting of the Avacado was rather boring and me being a very impatient girl, had to wait..I started fiddling...

At last the rice was cooked (Jayd did not have a rice cooker and therefore used a pot to cook it) but I think too much water was added and the rice consistency was just a bit too wet.
The next stage was to cool it. On the Seaweed package, the recommended fanning it. Little did I know they took it seriously...

Fanning of the rice


Hooray! The wait was over. The rice was cooled and the vinegar mixed. The sour hint of the vinegar made my mouth water and that was just the rice. Since there was rice, I did not hesitate to ask Megumi to teach me how to make Onagiri. Onagiri was those rice balls or more commonly triangles where in the middle it had fillings like tuna, salmon or anything else that's savoury. It was rather hard with my small hands...I had trouble fitting the large amount of rice in my hand. How embarassing..

Sushi was fun to make, though I must say it involved some skill in the application of the rice and the rolling of the actual sushi. All of us went well and Megumi was surprised! All of us were proud as in the beginning it looked hard! (All those co-ordination skills made me dizzy!) Overall, it was fun and it was nice to be social again. I'm going to let some photos speak for themselves. As they say: "A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words"

Left To Right: Group Photo & Megumi and Mum

Teriyaki Chicken (background) and Avacado

Tuna and Salmon (the very mushed up one is the salmon)

Eeek! Oh wait..It's only Cucumbers! I hate its relative..Le Zucchini

Le Femme Fatale making sushi..

Me in the making of Sushi (Do I have a mustache? Eeekk!!-->)

Finished results!