New Site

Don't know if anyone ever reads this old blog anymore!

However, like I said, a new chapter and if there are readers, I've started up a new blog and back into blogging!!

http://meshachow.blogspot.com

This Time, It is Good-bye

I realised that I could never write a journal but here I am four years later, looking back on this blog. There are so many bad times, and admittedly, good ones as well.

But.

I really want to start a new chapter in life. I am going to be 21 this year. It is time to let go of the past and try to find my own happiness rather than relying on others.

It is sad that I won't be posting on this blog anymore but I will create a new one. A fresh blog without any history. A clean slate.

I guess I will keep this blog, just as a reminder one day when I'm older.

Goodbye, old blog. I will surely miss you but it is time to let go of my ghosts.

Has It Come To This? Again?

How frustrating can it get? I've been screwed over 3 times. Dumped all 3 times.

Well, almost 3 times.

It really makes me wonder though, is there seriously something that wrong with me? Is there something coursing through my veins, my very own DNA, that puts people off being in a relationship with me? Am I really that bad?

Hell.

I seriously wonder what I have left, of a heart.

You told me you love me but you don't ever seem to show it. Well, you do in a way. You care but the way you were in love with me is gone.

I will never forget the times where you loved to hold my hand when we were out. Neither will I forget the times where you always wanted me by your side and never wanted me to leave, even for a moment. Or the times when you told me you loved me. Wait, not only that. You wanted me, you needed me in your life. I was, for a moment in time, the most important person in your life, other than your parents.

I was truly happy. But I was such an idiot to have not recognised it. I'm sorry.

Now, I just long deep down inside for you to be the person you once were when you wrote me a letter, which was a reminder of your love for me.

Where did the love go, my love?
Where did it go?

And what has it made me now?
I'm suffering despite taking anti-depressants. It's suppressing my feelings but no, it is not enough. I wanted something to make me feel happy, even for a moment, where nothing mattered at all.

So, I have resorted to drinking myself to sleep at nights. It was either that or have swollen eyes from crying too much.

A month's break is a long time. Hell, 2 weeks passed by so goddamn slowly. Another 2 weeks to go. I wonder how I'll cope?

I just wanted to say, that I take it all back. I need you now.

And I still love you very much.

I pray to God, that the end of this month, everything will be over and I'll be back in your arms again.

I'm quite an optimist for a pessimist, aren't I?

Somebody

Everyone wants to be somebody.

Even me.

Everyone has a talent.

What is mine?

I have no idea.

Testicle-whacking?

Butt-rapist wannabe?

Still finding it.

Hypocrites Pt. 2

It's funny how people tend to criticize other people of their faults when they themselves have faults of their own and yet they do not want to admit or realize it themselves.

How can a man call another man a hypocrite when he himself is a hypocrite? Thus a paradox is born.

The paradox born of hypocrisy is a viscous cycle.

It never ends as every man is a hypocrite - to himself and everyone around him.

Unless a man who is born perfect, not subjected to hypocrisy, only has the right to point out the flaws of others.

How can you tell someone off and keep telling them off when your life is falling to pieces and yet, still shameless enough to point the finger at others?

How can you blame the failure of your life on others and use them as a scapegoat to vent out the years of dissatisfaction and anger created through your life of misery?

Fine. I may be a hypocrite but seriously, who hasn't been a hypocrite at some point in their life? It is a blatant lie if a man says he is not a hypocrite.

You say that you are learning from us to be more selfish and be more hypocritical towards your actions but I find that funny. For each time you tell me off for doing something now, and you're doing it yourself, you are a hypocrite.

I never had to courage to say this to your face, but maybe someday you will wake up and realise that people have faults and so do you. However, you should not blame others and think that everything you do is 'oh-so-perfect' and is "logical" when really, it isn't. Maybe that is why, most of your marriages have failed and you still can't find the reason why? Perphaps the reason lies within you.

I would be a bad daughter to say that to you. I will never say it to you to your face. But as an observer, that is what I have perceived.

They say respect is earned and takes a lifetime to build and only take seconds to destroy.

I lack respect, but I have come to a point where, I don't think I respect anyone anymore. I do what I am told to save my own hide on my bottom. I endure cause it is out of my own benefit. I never wanted to stand down, but fortunately for you, you own the trump cards and I'm left with a leash that chokes me.

People say I'm an ungrateful person, but dealing with the mental abuse is not worth the hassle to be grateful.

So many times, I wanted to leave. Just leave it all behind but yet I'm just another hypocrite who can't live up to the things I want to do or say. Perphaps I am a failure.

You want to give up for the "amount of shit" we're giving you. But how long have you spent trying to reconcile. You give up at the slightest amount. This statement makes me a hypocrite too, but I have endured through yours.

I hope one day you'll understand and wake up.

Not everything you do is right.

Life in the City of Neophobia

Neophobia: the fear or dislike of new things; fear of change.

As stated above, neophobia is simply the fear of change. The fear of new things. Well, that basically summarizes the City of Perth, folks. Australia as a whole, with the exception of metropolitan areas such as Melbourne and Sydney, is already backward in itself. The only thing I can give them credit for, is that they are striving for a healthier country to live in by 2020. The purpose of this post, is not only to rant, but also stand as a notice for me and for anyone who really thinks the grass is greener on the other side; focusing on the pros and cons of living here in Australia.

To start off selfishly, I shall rant as I always do on this blog considering it has been a reoccuring theme...

I perceive Perth to be a place for old people or people who simply want to do nothing with change. A note to Neophobics, Perth or other small towns in Australia is a perfect place for you to hide and shelter away as other developing countries are finding their way to change rapidly.

I do not know whether it is because of my background, being raised in a metropolitan area of Kuala Lumpur. Reminiscing to when I was a high school student, it was already quite obvious that it was in our culture to have, possess or own the latest technology [especially mobile phones]. Here, in Australia, I feel that the only possible "culture" that Australians possess are [1] drinking [2]abusing alcohol [3] clubbing, and [4] getting laid.

I desire change. I have come to a point where I feel that my life lacks something important. I also personally feel that Neophobia city has sucked the life out of me. There is simply n-o-t-h-i-n-g to do in this town. Go out after 5PM, everything is fucking shut [with the exception of Thursday nights for local shopping centres and Friday nights in the city; both only open 'til 9PM].

For a while, I thought not all hope was lost when some West Australians do feel the need or want to extend trading hours. The reason why it does not work? Goddamn Neophobians! [not a real word I think, but I shall call residents of Perth with a few exceptions to some, Neophobians]. They complain about working late and spending not enough time with their family, blah blah blah. AND YOU FUCKING WONDER WHY THIS PLACE IS SO FAR BEHIND???? You'd think that a city that has quite a large population of Asians would teach these Caucasians a few things but no, they are just as stubborn and lazy as the Malays back home. Basically, the fairer version.

Just let me say that if Asians [or not to be so "racist", other people in other countries] can do it, SO CAN YOU!

But, no....

It's not that you can't, you just don't fucking want to.

Hey, if Australians don't want to work, I think we have a fair amount of Asians that would happily work for you for the extra money!

I could type all day long with the things I have to say, but I guess I'll just put it into dot points.
I'll start off with CONS:

• Lack of culture despite "multiculturalism"
• Acknowledges "multiculturalism" but there is alot of racism going on in Neophobialand
• High standard of living; things are fucking expensive.
• Average people strive to afford a house in the current housing market
• Banks rip the shit out of their customers [anyone heard of interest on top of an interest? And also paying to withdraw your own money out?]
• Majority Gen Y = lazy. [Hey, I'm a Gen Y but at least I acknowledge it. Give me some credit!]
• Rather high crime rates [someone once told me that Perth has the highest crime rate per ratio.. or something like that]
• Short trading hours
• Hypocritical governing system & also very confusing
• Really, really, really dislikes change and rejects change
• Too patriotic [some of them don't even want to leave the country]
• Gets too hot in Summer
• Likes beer but don't sell cheap beer...
• Promotes healthy lifestyle but foods like wraps and salads prices are off the roof and junk food sold at a cheap price. Sheer stupidity?
• Lack of discipline in children and in schools.
• Wayyyy too far laid-back
• Spanking of children is illegal
  

Pros:

• Cleaner amenities
• No stray animals [I'm talking about domestic animals aka pets]
• You see white people?
• Nice beaches [large nature reserves, coasts, etc.]
• Healthier Australa vision by 2020
• More music festivals and concerts
• Has 4 seasons
• Some friendly Australians do exist
• When you're horny but have no one to fuck, all you need to do is to find some guy in a club?
• Sluts ahoy!
• Cute koalas

Putting it down in dot points, I think I really need to get out of this country in the future. I sincerely think that if I were to stay in this country, I would have to move to the Eastern states and live somewhere near the metropolitan area.

And all I can say is that I am seeking something new, exciting, exhilarating... Just something that will just take my breath away.

For now, back to suffocating...

The Sweetest Thing I've Ever Heard & Moments of Self-Reflection.

Wow. It has been that long since my last post, I don't even know how the blogsphere feels like anymore. It is now my third year in university and also my second last semester. In a way I feel sad that it is my final year but also glad that the grieving process of intense studying is going to be over soon [not that I study hard anyways].

My electives this year is first year studies of Web Communications 101. Who knew I'm such a geek? I should probably say most Asians are but it is funny that Asians are ranked 4th in the world as Internet users. No doubt, North America pwns it in first place, then Australia?! Sure they may use the Internet, but I highly doubt the fact that these Aussies know much about using blogs or other services provided by the net!

I am giving the assumption that they use the Internet solely for the purpose of Facebook, MySpace and perphaps, porn. The only one thing I can give credit to Australia is that it has helped me with who I am and how I use the Internet. When I first came to Australia in 2005, I had no clue what a USB stick is. I was 14 going on 15 and my god it is embarrassing when I think back. Assignments in high school were handed in hard copy and most of it was done on Microsoft Word. It was also the year where I had to get a laptop to do my work. Back in Malaysia, every homework was hand-written. Computers in high-school were used for educational games and not even for printing.

Back then, I also used the Internet for Googling pics of Amy Lee and the only other purpose of the computer was to play the Sims. Over the years in high school, I realised how far behind I was in technology and vowed that I will be as efficient as possible with the computer and also the Internet.

Oh, I forgot to mention that Australia is known for the usage of dating websites. After two failures of a relationship, one which was met on the net, I decided to give it a go to see how many losers are out here in Australia. Unfortunately, I forgot that signing up, I became a loser myself. I changed that theory as I have met some nice people and also some perverted old man.

I think it was meant to be. For all the old men that added me on that site, I added a man that was way off the preferred age group. I don't know why I added him, perphaps it was his profile details that allured me and I thought that, "Hey, I could just be friends with him".

Guess what?

He is now with me and we've almost been together for three months!

He has shown me what is like to be loved for who I am no matter how ugly I look with or without make-up and I'm starting to appreciate this relationship.

He keeps on saying to this day that he loves me. First it started off with once a day, now he says it every moment he gets. Due to past experiences, I was scared that he was just saying it just for the sake of saying it or that he feels that he has to. So I asked him, how much does he love me?

*drum rolls*

"Looking back now, I can confidently say that you are the person I love the most.. other than my parents of course," he said.

"What about your other exes?" I asked him skeptically.
"I am sure that you love your exes as much as you loved me."

"No, after my past relationships, I can look back and see the faults in the relationships and can now say that I love you,"

*skeptical look*

"You have throw tantrums and tempers and with my exes I would not put up with that. With you, I know how to put up with it and still want to be with you".

So touching!!!

Web Studies 101

This is reminding me of Net Studies in CIC!

Web Presence.. HAH!

This blog has been up and running since 2007.

Finally realised that my blog has some use.

Boom. Pow.

It's 10:17AM

This unit is awesome.

Not to mention, I'm a third year uni student doing first year stuff?

Nice!

Life is a Gamble

Gambling is a thing you have to do in life. Taking risks and not regretting any decisions you make. It's either you gain or you lose. It's 50/50 really. However, whatever decision you make is also based on the strategic approach you take on. Like Texas Hold'em Poker, you can either be a passive aggresive or just plain aggressive.

When time is short and valuable, I suppose it is best to plan your life ahead of you but there is really no fun in that, personally speaking. Furthermore, life cannot be really planned as unseen circumstances do arise - either for the better or for worse. Like gambling, in life, you should also learn from your mistakes and avoid repeating the mistake if the problem arises again. Improve your strategy and make it stronger. You are the player and life is the dealer. Trying to play the cards given to you right is hard but that is the way it is I suppose. Some people get better cards [luck?] and they have a higher chance of winning if they play their cards right. Play it wrong and the good cards may be wasted. Playing with bad cards may be hard but hey, in games like Big 2, you might end up beating other players with good cards if you play them right. I suppose that is how quotes like "Play your cards right" came about.

So much things to think and ponder and personal life philosophies are nice to blog about. But sometimes it gets too much. Too much as I personally can't live by them everytime. Somewhere somehow, in the end, we are all hypocrites.

Sometimes playing with the unexpected is exciting and adrenaline rushing but like most other games that you gamble with, in the long run, you lose. Same with life isn't it? No matter how much you accomplish, we all die.

Ah, life! Why are you so cruel to us?

Into the new decade..

Many of can agree with me that 2009 was a fantastically horrible year. Some lost their loved ones and some, like me, had many unfortunate incidents during the course of the year.

It's finally 2010 and I was on hiatus. Why?

Cause I finally found someone who loves me for who I am.

I Remember What He Said...

A friend of mine once told me that you will know when the right person is there for you. Before all this heartache, I asked him: When will I be treated the way I have treated them? Will anyone love me more than I love them? To be treated nicely and in a respectable way, unselfish and unconditionable?

"One day, you'll find the person who will love you for who you are. You'll just have to wait"

I guess with my impatient and naive behaviour, I fell straight for the two people who seemed right but never was. But oh! The joy of the thought of being in love was too strong and I gave into temptation.

The result? Disasterous..

The first one, I was young and naive but was basically blinded by love that I couldn't see that she wasn't the right one to be partnered up with but only great as friends. My stupidity resulted in the loss of friendship. The second one was infatuated with me, but never really liked me. I thought I wouldn't be that stupid to fall for someone, but even in the beginning, he had all the qualities I wanted. In the end, I found out he was a selfish man who used me to satisfy his own desires. Both, shattered my heart. I am still finding the shards to piece it all back together but with each shard, I bleed.

I know I am young. I know I have my whole life ahead of me and repeatedly I have stated once so many times, how sick I am of looking. Maybe I envy those couples who've married their sweetheart from high school. Or married their second boyfriend? Being single, in a way, is nice - having the freedom to do what you want and not worry about what other people are thinking of you. You don't have commitments. But when you come back home, it's sad to think that no one is waiting for you. No one is missing you other than family, but I suppose that is to be expected.

Being in a relationship, however, is different. It's nice, being able to care for someone and return be cared for. Being able to love someone and hopefully in return, be loved. And it is for that reason alone, I want to find someone who I can love and be loved in return. I am sick for searching. There are 6 billion people on this planet and there will definitely be more than one person that will be right for you. There is no use trying to keep looking for something better...

Anyways, back to the topic. There's a new man in my life. Fast enough as it is, I guess I finally woke up from what I was doing with Mr.Bf #2. Although being in love, I was ready to wait for him until he was ready to be commited to someone, but then at the same time, I was being used like a doormat. I didn't mind it until Mr. Bf #3 came along.

I guess I am happy that I found someone who treated me the way I have always wanted them to. But somehow inside, I have created a shield around the shattered heart. I am still afraid to let him in. Maybe it's a good thing. Takes things slow in terms of emotion. I'm afraid that he'll go away too, as they always do. It's always been like that, they like me, wants me to be in a relationship with them, I opened up my heart to them, they leave me.

I don't want him to leave. I guess when I say the words that I would be the one to run, I selfishly wanted to be the one who doesn't get hurt again. It's been enough for the year 2009.

"People's feelings change easily. All that one sees could be an illusion.
Nothing is for certain"

Lying Away From You

Jealousy forms when you observe other couple's loving activities, whilst your own love sits inside the heart; not being able to show affection will slowly rot the soul.

The inability to feel neither true pain nor joy comes from being hurt so much in the past that the heart learns to shield itself from these emotions. This is what is like to be frozen. Neither sunlight nor the freezing wind can change the frozen heart. Yet it waits for the day, for love to melt it back to the way it was.

Stupidity is the man who does not listen to the wise men. Stupidity is the man who does the bidding of his heart. Stupidity is when love conquers body and soul.

Love cannot be forced, they say, but then explain to me how is it that couples in arranged marriages last so long? Longer than those marriages vowed due to the sake of love? Love is a bond that can be obtained over time. I believe so, but yet it is also my weakness, my stupidity.

Stupidity for loving a man whose heart is, perphaps, even more frozen than mine. Does he know what love is? But yet my hope remains. The hope that allows me to be here waiting for him although the mind tells me to give up. It's futile.

"There can be miracles, when you believe,
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill..."

Free for 3 months!

I am finally enjoying myself, not having to crash in university and worry about anything to do with university work until next year! But now this means that I will have to find jobs for this summer's vacation.

Time to start sending out resumes and applications!

Student Edge Blogger!

Finally featured in the Student Edge website. I had the job of taking and editing the photos for this week's voxpop on their website!

Sacrifice

"It's not always Rainbows and Butterflies, it's Compromise that moves us along"

She Will Be Loved

Maroon 5

You know what darling? Sometimes, as a couple, we will always have some issues that arise whilst we are together. But it doesn't mean that you sit down and contemplate about the relationship and just end it just like that.

You try to sit down, with a clear mind, tell your partner what's working and what's not. "I don't know", isn't an answer that we want to hear.

I understand that you're trying not to hurt me because you are frustrated that you're not in love with me just yet. It's okay. Some people fall in love faster than others. Some take months, some take years, some even at first sight. So who are we to say that it's wrong not to fall in love within a few months.

Although it has only been a few months, we never argued about anything else. Isn't that a sign? Unless you're keeping things to yourself and try not to hurt me.

Furthermore, my love, I know we rushed in. What ever that made you like me, may have just been infatuation or lust. But somehow inside, I think we are very much compatible. Why you have grown tired of me, I do not know but it's still not a solid enough reason for me to think that we should just end this right now. Think about it for a second, if all married couples were to just divorce just because they have grown weary of each other, the divorce rates would just sky-rocket. There are ways that can make our bond grow stronger.

I know you don't have the time to be there for me, nor give me undivided attention due to your responsibilities as an individual. You and I know, I'm trying so hard not to be clingy. Sometimes, I get moody and just need you to be there without thinking about your feelings. For that, I'm sincerely sorry and will take the blame for being angry at me. But is it so bad that we have to end it?

You further stated that you don't know what you want. You don't know if you should continue to be in a relationship or be single. When I asked you why you asked me to be your girlfriend in the first place, you said that you wanted me to be at that time. Whatever you do or say, has its consequences and take the responsibility.

I actually could forsee you growing tired of me, but I was trying so hard to ignore it and give it the benefit of doubt that you may have been stressed out with work or just being tired.

You said that you kept thinking about the first night you met me. I keep thinking of all the good times we had together. It's painful to see it just disappear.

You don't want to hurt me. But what's hurting me more is you giving up so easily. Humans can never predict what may or could happen in the future. We don't know whether it's going to work or not and yes, you don't want to hurt me even more. But who's to say that you might actually develop something later? You're hurting me by being so cold, so indifferent to me now. Every morning, I wake up with a heavy heart knowing you're not going to be there. And even if you are, what we had before is gone. I am willing to take the risk and gamble for the future. Isn't that we do? We take risks in our life. Like BlackJack, it's 50/50. But if you don't take that risk, who knows what the cards may hold?

If you have said that you cannot stand me, that I do things that make you angry, I would have been okay to just be friends and walk away. Until now, I cannot pin-point the things that makes us incompatible.

I may have done something "stupid". Don't forget, that people are built differently. Some can handle or see things clearer than others. They are able to look past things and keep moving on. To some, it's just what they are living for. Are you calling everything that have killed themselves or are practicing self-infliction stupid? Everyone has their reasons, although not everyone can see it from their point of view. Remember that.

It's not okay that you're gone, but if I love you and you're happier this way, I'll just have to accept and sacrifice the fact that you're gone. Note though, my love, I'll be here waiting for you.

Nobody's Home

Well, I couldn't tell you
Why she felt that way? She felt it everyday
And I couldn't help her
I just watched her make the same mistakes again

What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems
Don't know where she belongs
Where she belongs?

She wants to go home but nobody's home
That's where she lies
Broken inside with no place to go
No place to go to dry her eyes
Broken inside

Open your eyes
And look outside find the reasons why
You've been rejected
And now you can't find what you've left behind

Be strong, be strong now
Too many, too many problems
Don't know where she belongs
Where she belongs?

She wants to go home but nobody's home
That's where she lies
Broken inside with no place to go
No place to go to dry her eyes
Broken inside

Her feelings she hides, her dreams she can't find
She's losing her mind, she's fallen behind
And she can't find her place, she's losing her faith
She's fallen from grace, she's all over the place, yeah

She wants to go home but nobody's home
That's where she lies
Broken inside with no place to go
No place to go to dry her eyes
Broken inside

She's lost inside, lost inside

-Avril Lavigne-

Curse thy Emotions

I do not know why.

I do not know whether it's linked to my monthly process of producing hormones and losing blood that turns me into an emotional wreck.

I just feel like eventhough I have family and recently, a Mr. BF of my own, I can't help but feel so alone. Why is it I feel like I have no support when I face problems. Sometimes, although I'm trying to be independent, some support will be nice. I feel like if I were to tell anyone anything at anytime, the problems in which I face will be scrutinized and criticized to the max.

So now, if I were to tell anyone anything, I have to think twice. I guess I now understand what my ex told me off for - for not being supporting enough and being mean although I do it for fun. I now see it when people around me do that, although the majority of the time, I take it in with good humour and take it as self-constructive criticism.

I never ever said my self-confidence is high. The person you see, is just someone who's trying to mimic the person she is trying to be. Fear of rejection. I actually enjoy having someone to reassure me that I am good enough, but that would be vain. It always seem to me, that what I do, I have to asked to be praised. Am I not good enough?

I got told off once for putting effort in making someone happy. "You always try but never succeed, what's the point?". So much for appreciation.

I guess in the end, I just want someone to show me some support and most importantly boost up my morale. I can't take another hit this year. There's already too much shit going on.

And Does He Notice, My Feelings For Him?

Photographer/Designer?

I am wondering. Wondering if what I'm wanting to do in life is to just be a flight attendant for the rest of my working life? You know? Work whilst in the mean time travel, save up, buy a house, a car and the rest spent on traveling around the globe.

Realistically speaking, being a flight attendant and if you're single [not married and no kids], you're able to afford nice things.

But what about photography? I actually don't find it too bad.. Just that the fact that printing them out in 8 x 12 cm is a bitch but it's fun. Design.. That's what I want to do as a major, but got stuck as a minor. Oh well, perphaps I can do it after this course. Hopefully, I'll have a PR and it'll be half price!

I don't know. Here I am at 19 still figuring what to do after I graduate from uni. I need to think fast. I need a plan...