I think this will be the most personal and insecure blog I have written in a very long time. Now that I look back, I can see how immature I have been over the past few years. For once in my life, I feel so hopeless and insecure about my future.
Some of you that knows me personally might perceive me to be this kinda cheerful girl that rambles on complete bullshit at times.
I am not her. That's just an image that I hold to disguise who I am on the inside.
My sponsor hasn't been responding to the emails I sent concerning my uni fees and I told him that it has to be sent this week. I told him somewhat 2 weeks prior as to how much I need and that it has to be in by this week.
Nope. No response.
I don't know who to turn to and how to react. I am somewhat in a shock state.
The fees aren't due yet, but I must say it's soon. Soon as in February 10, 2009 soon. The total cost of my semester fees? $9,600AUD.
Yup. That's a shitload of money and if he doesn't send, I'm pretty much fucked. My mother has offered to send me some if it has come down to that situation, but she's financially tight too. AND that money that she is offering comes from her own savings. Taking that out from the term deposit means she is going to lose somewhat $2000AUD worth of interest. For that reason alone, I do not want to financially burden my mother. She has already gone through enough for me. But that the hell am I going to do?
She's already in a panicking stage and so am I.
Where the fuck am I going to get that kind of money if he doesn't send?
It's partially my fault. I look back and see how stupidly I wasted my money on unnecessary items that I do not really need. It was just a "I want" attitude that I had and now I'm sitting here full of regret, frustration and the only thing I can do is sit here and PRAY that he sends it soon. Even next week would be great.
But to prepare myself, I have to think of the worst scenario. What the fuck am I going to do?
I don't have any real friends that I can seek for help. And even if I really do, who's going to give me a loan of $10,000AUD?
Some of you that knows me personally might perceive me to be this kinda cheerful girl that rambles on complete bullshit at times.
I am not her. That's just an image that I hold to disguise who I am on the inside.
My sponsor hasn't been responding to the emails I sent concerning my uni fees and I told him that it has to be sent this week. I told him somewhat 2 weeks prior as to how much I need and that it has to be in by this week.
Nope. No response.
I don't know who to turn to and how to react. I am somewhat in a shock state.
The fees aren't due yet, but I must say it's soon. Soon as in February 10, 2009 soon. The total cost of my semester fees? $9,600AUD.
Yup. That's a shitload of money and if he doesn't send, I'm pretty much fucked. My mother has offered to send me some if it has come down to that situation, but she's financially tight too. AND that money that she is offering comes from her own savings. Taking that out from the term deposit means she is going to lose somewhat $2000AUD worth of interest. For that reason alone, I do not want to financially burden my mother. She has already gone through enough for me. But that the hell am I going to do?
She's already in a panicking stage and so am I.
Where the fuck am I going to get that kind of money if he doesn't send?
It's partially my fault. I look back and see how stupidly I wasted my money on unnecessary items that I do not really need. It was just a "I want" attitude that I had and now I'm sitting here full of regret, frustration and the only thing I can do is sit here and PRAY that he sends it soon. Even next week would be great.
But to prepare myself, I have to think of the worst scenario. What the fuck am I going to do?
I don't have any real friends that I can seek for help. And even if I really do, who's going to give me a loan of $10,000AUD?
None right?
I used to rant about stupid things such as I'm single blah blah blah, which is true, but in the end, it is not as huge as the situation I'm in.
Omg. I'm literally breaking down due to the panick attacks I'm getting every few hours when I'm not distracted by work and other house chores.
I really am alone in this situation. The only thing that drives me forward is that I have only myself to rely on and not break down. I have to be strong.
It's not like I have a choice anyways. If it's not me that is holding myself together, who will? Who will sit together with me and get me through this rough patch?
No one.
I still can't believe I'm actually getting into a uni and it's only a short 2 years away of completing my degree and I have to be in this situation. Fucking great isn't it?
If I don't enrol, the case would be that I'd get kicked out of Australia and try to reapply for the semester in June/July. The problem is: Where the hell am I going to store 3 years worth of stuff that has been accumulated over the 3 years that I have been here in Australia?
Like I said, I don't have that many close friends here that will pull me out of this shit!
My god. My child-like behaviour last year has really taken it's toll on me, and I'm definately beating myself up for that stupid mistake.
But no use crying over spilt milk. The deed is done.
Thankfully, [thanks to Kelvin], I have a great part-time job at the cafe in the university that is sustaining me for the time being. That's what I'm living off at the moment. There's barely enough food at home too in this point of time. I feel so degraded and this IS how low I am.
Zomfgwtfbbq normally uses a quote "Harden the Fuck Up". Believe me I am. That's the quote that's holding me together now.
Mesha is no longer the girl you think you know.
I'm someone... else.
Overall, I guess this is a lesson. To be wise financially. And also, how alone I am when I'm in shit.
3 comments:
HARDEN THE FUCK UP. When there's a will there's a way. I've told you before bout all your decisions about why this and that you shouldn't have bought and what not... It's not a time for me to lecture you like how I lecture all the kids and stuff.
I'll give you a call when I'm free.
-zom
there is no point lecturing her now ed, she has already gone through it, its the time to make decisions and find alternatives
you have learnt the lesson the hard way, hope you dont make the same mistake again. i know what you are going through coz i was in your shoes 7 years back though your timeframe to come up with a backup plan is shorter coz i worked my ass off to put myself back on track
-mun-
Does your uni offer financial assistance to international students? Usually if you can come up with a good enough excuse, payments can be delayed for about a month or so. Just make sure you don't get a bitch of an admin staff who'll just shun you aside.
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