I realised that I could never write a journal but here I am four years later, looking back on this blog. There are so many bad times, and admittedly, good ones as well.
But.
I really want to start a new chapter in life. I am going to be 21 this year. It is time to let go of the past and try to find my own happiness rather than relying on others.
It is sad that I won't be posting on this blog anymore but I will create a new one. A fresh blog without any history. A clean slate.
I guess I will keep this blog, just as a reminder one day when I'm older.
Goodbye, old blog. I will surely miss you but it is time to let go of my ghosts.
Wednesday, 12 January 2011
Wednesday, 15 December 2010
Has It Come To This? Again?
How frustrating can it get? I've been screwed over 3 times. Dumped all 3 times.
Well, almost 3 times.
It really makes me wonder though, is there seriously something that wrong with me? Is there something coursing through my veins, my very own DNA, that puts people off being in a relationship with me? Am I really that bad?
Hell.
I seriously wonder what I have left, of a heart.
You told me you love me but you don't ever seem to show it. Well, you do in a way. You care but the way you were in love with me is gone.
I will never forget the times where you loved to hold my hand when we were out. Neither will I forget the times where you always wanted me by your side and never wanted me to leave, even for a moment. Or the times when you told me you loved me. Wait, not only that. You wanted me, you needed me in your life. I was, for a moment in time, the most important person in your life, other than your parents.
I was truly happy. But I was such an idiot to have not recognised it. I'm sorry.
Now, I just long deep down inside for you to be the person you once were when you wrote me a letter, which was a reminder of your love for me.
Where did the love go, my love?
Where did it go?
And what has it made me now?
I'm suffering despite taking anti-depressants. It's suppressing my feelings but no, it is not enough. I wanted something to make me feel happy, even for a moment, where nothing mattered at all.
So, I have resorted to drinking myself to sleep at nights. It was either that or have swollen eyes from crying too much.
A month's break is a long time. Hell, 2 weeks passed by so goddamn slowly. Another 2 weeks to go. I wonder how I'll cope?
I just wanted to say, that I take it all back. I need you now.
And I still love you very much.
I pray to God, that the end of this month, everything will be over and I'll be back in your arms again.
I'm quite an optimist for a pessimist, aren't I?
Well, almost 3 times.
It really makes me wonder though, is there seriously something that wrong with me? Is there something coursing through my veins, my very own DNA, that puts people off being in a relationship with me? Am I really that bad?
Hell.
I seriously wonder what I have left, of a heart.
You told me you love me but you don't ever seem to show it. Well, you do in a way. You care but the way you were in love with me is gone.
I will never forget the times where you loved to hold my hand when we were out. Neither will I forget the times where you always wanted me by your side and never wanted me to leave, even for a moment. Or the times when you told me you loved me. Wait, not only that. You wanted me, you needed me in your life. I was, for a moment in time, the most important person in your life, other than your parents.
I was truly happy. But I was such an idiot to have not recognised it. I'm sorry.
Now, I just long deep down inside for you to be the person you once were when you wrote me a letter, which was a reminder of your love for me.
Where did the love go, my love?
Where did it go?
And what has it made me now?
I'm suffering despite taking anti-depressants. It's suppressing my feelings but no, it is not enough. I wanted something to make me feel happy, even for a moment, where nothing mattered at all.
So, I have resorted to drinking myself to sleep at nights. It was either that or have swollen eyes from crying too much.
A month's break is a long time. Hell, 2 weeks passed by so goddamn slowly. Another 2 weeks to go. I wonder how I'll cope?
I just wanted to say, that I take it all back. I need you now.
And I still love you very much.
I pray to God, that the end of this month, everything will be over and I'll be back in your arms again.
I'm quite an optimist for a pessimist, aren't I?
Tuesday, 20 July 2010
Somebody
Everyone wants to be somebody.
Even me.
Everyone has a talent.
What is mine?
I have no idea.
Testicle-whacking?
Butt-rapist wannabe?
Still finding it.
Even me.
Everyone has a talent.
What is mine?
I have no idea.
Testicle-whacking?
Butt-rapist wannabe?
Still finding it.
Saturday, 3 July 2010
Hypocrites Pt. 2
It's funny how people tend to criticize other people of their faults when they themselves have faults of their own and yet they do not want to admit or realize it themselves.
How can a man call another man a hypocrite when he himself is a hypocrite? Thus a paradox is born.
The paradox born of hypocrisy is a viscous cycle.
It never ends as every man is a hypocrite - to himself and everyone around him.
Unless a man who is born perfect, not subjected to hypocrisy, only has the right to point out the flaws of others.
How can you tell someone off and keep telling them off when your life is falling to pieces and yet, still shameless enough to point the finger at others?
How can you blame the failure of your life on others and use them as a scapegoat to vent out the years of dissatisfaction and anger created through your life of misery?
Fine. I may be a hypocrite but seriously, who hasn't been a hypocrite at some point in their life? It is a blatant lie if a man says he is not a hypocrite.
You say that you are learning from us to be more selfish and be more hypocritical towards your actions but I find that funny. For each time you tell me off for doing something now, and you're doing it yourself, you are a hypocrite.
I never had to courage to say this to your face, but maybe someday you will wake up and realise that people have faults and so do you. However, you should not blame others and think that everything you do is 'oh-so-perfect' and is "logical" when really, it isn't. Maybe that is why, most of your marriages have failed and you still can't find the reason why? Perphaps the reason lies within you.
I would be a bad daughter to say that to you. I will never say it to you to your face. But as an observer, that is what I have perceived.
They say respect is earned and takes a lifetime to build and only take seconds to destroy.
I lack respect, but I have come to a point where, I don't think I respect anyone anymore. I do what I am told to save my own hide on my bottom. I endure cause it is out of my own benefit. I never wanted to stand down, but fortunately for you, you own the trump cards and I'm left with a leash that chokes me.
People say I'm an ungrateful person, but dealing with the mental abuse is not worth the hassle to be grateful.
So many times, I wanted to leave. Just leave it all behind but yet I'm just another hypocrite who can't live up to the things I want to do or say. Perphaps I am a failure.
You want to give up for the "amount of shit" we're giving you. But how long have you spent trying to reconcile. You give up at the slightest amount. This statement makes me a hypocrite too, but I have endured through yours.
I hope one day you'll understand and wake up.
Not everything you do is right.
How can a man call another man a hypocrite when he himself is a hypocrite? Thus a paradox is born.
The paradox born of hypocrisy is a viscous cycle.
It never ends as every man is a hypocrite - to himself and everyone around him.
Unless a man who is born perfect, not subjected to hypocrisy, only has the right to point out the flaws of others.
How can you tell someone off and keep telling them off when your life is falling to pieces and yet, still shameless enough to point the finger at others?
How can you blame the failure of your life on others and use them as a scapegoat to vent out the years of dissatisfaction and anger created through your life of misery?
Fine. I may be a hypocrite but seriously, who hasn't been a hypocrite at some point in their life? It is a blatant lie if a man says he is not a hypocrite.
You say that you are learning from us to be more selfish and be more hypocritical towards your actions but I find that funny. For each time you tell me off for doing something now, and you're doing it yourself, you are a hypocrite.
I never had to courage to say this to your face, but maybe someday you will wake up and realise that people have faults and so do you. However, you should not blame others and think that everything you do is 'oh-so-perfect' and is "logical" when really, it isn't. Maybe that is why, most of your marriages have failed and you still can't find the reason why? Perphaps the reason lies within you.
I would be a bad daughter to say that to you. I will never say it to you to your face. But as an observer, that is what I have perceived.
They say respect is earned and takes a lifetime to build and only take seconds to destroy.
I lack respect, but I have come to a point where, I don't think I respect anyone anymore. I do what I am told to save my own hide on my bottom. I endure cause it is out of my own benefit. I never wanted to stand down, but fortunately for you, you own the trump cards and I'm left with a leash that chokes me.
People say I'm an ungrateful person, but dealing with the mental abuse is not worth the hassle to be grateful.
So many times, I wanted to leave. Just leave it all behind but yet I'm just another hypocrite who can't live up to the things I want to do or say. Perphaps I am a failure.
You want to give up for the "amount of shit" we're giving you. But how long have you spent trying to reconcile. You give up at the slightest amount. This statement makes me a hypocrite too, but I have endured through yours.
I hope one day you'll understand and wake up.
Not everything you do is right.
Thursday, 17 June 2010
Life in the City of Neophobia
Neophobia: the fear or dislike of new things; fear of change.
As stated above, neophobia is simply the fear of change. The fear of new things. Well, that basically summarizes the City of Perth, folks. Australia as a whole, with the exception of metropolitan areas such as Melbourne and Sydney, is already backward in itself. The only thing I can give them credit for, is that they are striving for a healthier country to live in by 2020. The purpose of this post, is not only to rant, but also stand as a notice for me and for anyone who really thinks the grass is greener on the other side; focusing on the pros and cons of living here in Australia.
To start off selfishly, I shall rant as I always do on this blog considering it has been a reoccuring theme...
I perceive Perth to be a place for old people or people who simply want to do nothing with change. A note to Neophobics, Perth or other small towns in Australia is a perfect place for you to hide and shelter away as other developing countries are finding their way to change rapidly.
I do not know whether it is because of my background, being raised in a metropolitan area of Kuala Lumpur. Reminiscing to when I was a high school student, it was already quite obvious that it was in our culture to have, possess or own the latest technology [especially mobile phones]. Here, in Australia, I feel that the only possible "culture" that Australians possess are [1] drinking [2]abusing alcohol [3] clubbing, and [4] getting laid.
I desire change. I have come to a point where I feel that my life lacks something important. I also personally feel that Neophobia city has sucked the life out of me. There is simply n-o-t-h-i-n-g to do in this town. Go out after 5PM, everything is fucking shut [with the exception of Thursday nights for local shopping centres and Friday nights in the city; both only open 'til 9PM].
For a while, I thought not all hope was lost when some West Australians do feel the need or want to extend trading hours. The reason why it does not work? Goddamn Neophobians! [not a real word I think, but I shall call residents of Perth with a few exceptions to some, Neophobians]. They complain about working late and spending not enough time with their family, blah blah blah. AND YOU FUCKING WONDER WHY THIS PLACE IS SO FAR BEHIND???? You'd think that a city that has quite a large population of Asians would teach these Caucasians a few things but no, they are just as stubborn and lazy as the Malays back home. Basically, the fairer version.
Just let me say that if Asians [or not to be so "racist", other people in other countries] can do it, SO CAN YOU!
But, no....
It's not that you can't, you just don't fucking want to.
Hey, if Australians don't want to work, I think we have a fair amount of Asians that would happily work for you for the extra money!
I could type all day long with the things I have to say, but I guess I'll just put it into dot points.
I'll start off with CONS:
Pros:
And all I can say is that I am seeking something new, exciting, exhilarating... Just something that will just take my breath away.
For now, back to suffocating...
To start off selfishly, I shall rant as I always do on this blog considering it has been a reoccuring theme...
I perceive Perth to be a place for old people or people who simply want to do nothing with change. A note to Neophobics, Perth or other small towns in Australia is a perfect place for you to hide and shelter away as other developing countries are finding their way to change rapidly.
I do not know whether it is because of my background, being raised in a metropolitan area of Kuala Lumpur. Reminiscing to when I was a high school student, it was already quite obvious that it was in our culture to have, possess or own the latest technology [especially mobile phones]. Here, in Australia, I feel that the only possible "culture" that Australians possess are [1] drinking [2]abusing alcohol [3] clubbing, and [4] getting laid.
I desire change. I have come to a point where I feel that my life lacks something important. I also personally feel that Neophobia city has sucked the life out of me. There is simply n-o-t-h-i-n-g to do in this town. Go out after 5PM, everything is fucking shut [with the exception of Thursday nights for local shopping centres and Friday nights in the city; both only open 'til 9PM].
For a while, I thought not all hope was lost when some West Australians do feel the need or want to extend trading hours. The reason why it does not work? Goddamn Neophobians! [not a real word I think, but I shall call residents of Perth with a few exceptions to some, Neophobians]. They complain about working late and spending not enough time with their family, blah blah blah. AND YOU FUCKING WONDER WHY THIS PLACE IS SO FAR BEHIND???? You'd think that a city that has quite a large population of Asians would teach these Caucasians a few things but no, they are just as stubborn and lazy as the Malays back home. Basically, the fairer version.
Just let me say that if Asians [or not to be so "racist", other people in other countries] can do it, SO CAN YOU!
But, no....
It's not that you can't, you just don't fucking want to.
Hey, if Australians don't want to work, I think we have a fair amount of Asians that would happily work for you for the extra money!
I could type all day long with the things I have to say, but I guess I'll just put it into dot points.
I'll start off with CONS:
- Lack of culture despite "multiculturalism"
- Acknowledges "multiculturalism" but there is alot of racism going on in Neophobialand
- High standard of living; things are fucking expensive.
- Average people strive to afford a house in the current housing market
- Banks rip the shit out of their customers [anyone heard of interest on top of an interest? And also paying to withdraw your own money out?]
- Majority Gen Y = lazy. [Hey, I'm a Gen Y but at least I acknowledge it. Give me some credit!]
- Rather high crime rates [someone once told me that Perth has the highest crime rate per ratio.. or something like that]
- Short trading hours
- Hypocritical governing system & also very confusing
- Really, really, really dislikes change and rejects change
- Too patriotic [some of them don't even want to leave the country]
- Gets too hot in Summer
- Likes beer but don't sell cheap beer...
- Promotes healthy lifestyle but foods like wraps and salads prices are off the roof and junk food sold at a cheap price. Sheer stupidity?
- Lack of discipline in children and in schools.
- Wayyyy too far laid-back
- Spanking of children is illegal
Pros:
- Cleaner amenities
- No stray animals [I'm talking about domestic animals aka pets]
- You see white people?
- Nice beaches [large nature reserves, coasts, etc.]
- Healthier Australa vision by 2020
- More music festivals and concerts
- Has 4 seasons
- Some friendly Australians do exist
- When you're horny but have no one to fuck, all you need to do is to find some guy in a club?
- Sluts ahoy!
- Cute koalas
And all I can say is that I am seeking something new, exciting, exhilarating... Just something that will just take my breath away.
For now, back to suffocating...
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