The Sweetest Thing I've Ever Heard & Moments of Self-Reflection.

Wow. It has been that long since my last post, I don't even know how the blogsphere feels like anymore. It is now my third year in university and also my second last semester. In a way I feel sad that it is my final year but also glad that the grieving process of intense studying is going to be over soon [not that I study hard anyways].

My electives this year is first year studies of Web Communications 101. Who knew I'm such a geek? I should probably say most Asians are but it is funny that Asians are ranked 4th in the world as Internet users. No doubt, North America pwns it in first place, then Australia?! Sure they may use the Internet, but I highly doubt the fact that these Aussies know much about using blogs or other services provided by the net!

I am giving the assumption that they use the Internet solely for the purpose of Facebook, MySpace and perphaps, porn. The only one thing I can give credit to Australia is that it has helped me with who I am and how I use the Internet. When I first came to Australia in 2005, I had no clue what a USB stick is. I was 14 going on 15 and my god it is embarrassing when I think back. Assignments in high school were handed in hard copy and most of it was done on Microsoft Word. It was also the year where I had to get a laptop to do my work. Back in Malaysia, every homework was hand-written. Computers in high-school were used for educational games and not even for printing.

Back then, I also used the Internet for Googling pics of Amy Lee and the only other purpose of the computer was to play the Sims. Over the years in high school, I realised how far behind I was in technology and vowed that I will be as efficient as possible with the computer and also the Internet.

Oh, I forgot to mention that Australia is known for the usage of dating websites. After two failures of a relationship, one which was met on the net, I decided to give it a go to see how many losers are out here in Australia. Unfortunately, I forgot that signing up, I became a loser myself. I changed that theory as I have met some nice people and also some perverted old man.

I think it was meant to be. For all the old men that added me on that site, I added a man that was way off the preferred age group. I don't know why I added him, perphaps it was his profile details that allured me and I thought that, "Hey, I could just be friends with him".

Guess what?

He is now with me and we've almost been together for three months!

He has shown me what is like to be loved for who I am no matter how ugly I look with or without make-up and I'm starting to appreciate this relationship.

He keeps on saying to this day that he loves me. First it started off with once a day, now he says it every moment he gets. Due to past experiences, I was scared that he was just saying it just for the sake of saying it or that he feels that he has to. So I asked him, how much does he love me?

*drum rolls*

"Looking back now, I can confidently say that you are the person I love the most.. other than my parents of course," he said.

"What about your other exes?" I asked him skeptically.
"I am sure that you love your exes as much as you loved me."

"No, after my past relationships, I can look back and see the faults in the relationships and can now say that I love you,"

*skeptical look*

"You have throw tantrums and tempers and with my exes I would not put up with that. With you, I know how to put up with it and still want to be with you".

So touching!!!

Web Studies 101

This is reminding me of Net Studies in CIC!

Web Presence.. HAH!

This blog has been up and running since 2007.

Finally realised that my blog has some use.

Boom. Pow.

It's 10:17AM

This unit is awesome.

Not to mention, I'm a third year uni student doing first year stuff?

Nice!

Life is a Gamble

Gambling is a thing you have to do in life. Taking risks and not regretting any decisions you make. It's either you gain or you lose. It's 50/50 really. However, whatever decision you make is also based on the strategic approach you take on. Like Texas Hold'em Poker, you can either be a passive aggresive or just plain aggressive.

When time is short and valuable, I suppose it is best to plan your life ahead of you but there is really no fun in that, personally speaking. Furthermore, life cannot be really planned as unseen circumstances do arise - either for the better or for worse. Like gambling, in life, you should also learn from your mistakes and avoid repeating the mistake if the problem arises again. Improve your strategy and make it stronger. You are the player and life is the dealer. Trying to play the cards given to you right is hard but that is the way it is I suppose. Some people get better cards [luck?] and they have a higher chance of winning if they play their cards right. Play it wrong and the good cards may be wasted. Playing with bad cards may be hard but hey, in games like Big 2, you might end up beating other players with good cards if you play them right. I suppose that is how quotes like "Play your cards right" came about.

So much things to think and ponder and personal life philosophies are nice to blog about. But sometimes it gets too much. Too much as I personally can't live by them everytime. Somewhere somehow, in the end, we are all hypocrites.

Sometimes playing with the unexpected is exciting and adrenaline rushing but like most other games that you gamble with, in the long run, you lose. Same with life isn't it? No matter how much you accomplish, we all die.

Ah, life! Why are you so cruel to us?

Into the new decade..

Many of can agree with me that 2009 was a fantastically horrible year. Some lost their loved ones and some, like me, had many unfortunate incidents during the course of the year.

It's finally 2010 and I was on hiatus. Why?

Cause I finally found someone who loves me for who I am.

I Remember What He Said...

A friend of mine once told me that you will know when the right person is there for you. Before all this heartache, I asked him: When will I be treated the way I have treated them? Will anyone love me more than I love them? To be treated nicely and in a respectable way, unselfish and unconditionable?

"One day, you'll find the person who will love you for who you are. You'll just have to wait"

I guess with my impatient and naive behaviour, I fell straight for the two people who seemed right but never was. But oh! The joy of the thought of being in love was too strong and I gave into temptation.

The result? Disasterous..

The first one, I was young and naive but was basically blinded by love that I couldn't see that she wasn't the right one to be partnered up with but only great as friends. My stupidity resulted in the loss of friendship. The second one was infatuated with me, but never really liked me. I thought I wouldn't be that stupid to fall for someone, but even in the beginning, he had all the qualities I wanted. In the end, I found out he was a selfish man who used me to satisfy his own desires. Both, shattered my heart. I am still finding the shards to piece it all back together but with each shard, I bleed.

I know I am young. I know I have my whole life ahead of me and repeatedly I have stated once so many times, how sick I am of looking. Maybe I envy those couples who've married their sweetheart from high school. Or married their second boyfriend? Being single, in a way, is nice - having the freedom to do what you want and not worry about what other people are thinking of you. You don't have commitments. But when you come back home, it's sad to think that no one is waiting for you. No one is missing you other than family, but I suppose that is to be expected.

Being in a relationship, however, is different. It's nice, being able to care for someone and return be cared for. Being able to love someone and hopefully in return, be loved. And it is for that reason alone, I want to find someone who I can love and be loved in return. I am sick for searching. There are 6 billion people on this planet and there will definitely be more than one person that will be right for you. There is no use trying to keep looking for something better...

Anyways, back to the topic. There's a new man in my life. Fast enough as it is, I guess I finally woke up from what I was doing with Mr.Bf #2. Although being in love, I was ready to wait for him until he was ready to be commited to someone, but then at the same time, I was being used like a doormat. I didn't mind it until Mr. Bf #3 came along.

I guess I am happy that I found someone who treated me the way I have always wanted them to. But somehow inside, I have created a shield around the shattered heart. I am still afraid to let him in. Maybe it's a good thing. Takes things slow in terms of emotion. I'm afraid that he'll go away too, as they always do. It's always been like that, they like me, wants me to be in a relationship with them, I opened up my heart to them, they leave me.

I don't want him to leave. I guess when I say the words that I would be the one to run, I selfishly wanted to be the one who doesn't get hurt again. It's been enough for the year 2009.

"People's feelings change easily. All that one sees could be an illusion.
Nothing is for certain"