Mesha is Fat and is Getting FATTER!!!

"Ehh..u can fit in a corset ar?.."

- Nerdy Fred

In response to Fred's comment, here's what I've got to say:
In today's society, we are all judged by how we look like. This is inevitable. Like it or not, in our subconscious mind we judge and make comments. Snobbish comments that is. In our modern world, we all like to be skinny so we can fit into the latest outfit by our favourite designer. This is normally influenced by the advertisements showing a picture of a hot, sexy skinny model, whose probably a size 00. Yes..double 0. Not many women of today are that skinny and if they were, they were considered "lucky".

Anorexic Models can be seen on catwalks today though they have been banned in some regions of Europe which I'm supporting.

As I sit here typing out these words, I recall seeing the photos which my Mother took in Rome of the famous Michelangelo's paintings on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. There were paintings of men, women and children but all with one similarity. They were all chubby! There were no paintings of women as skinny little things that look as if they will snap even with a blow of a wind. They were all voluptuous with curves in the right places.

Or maybe I'm just jealous that not all clothes look good on me or simply can't fit me because of my shape. Walking past magazines at a newspaper stand is always good enough to make me feel so insecure about my physical appearance. I mean, who doesn't wish that they were beautiful enough to make people's head turn? Are there people who are actually happy with the way they are? If so, let me know. I want them to teach me the secret of inner confidence and happiness.

Seriously, which girl does not want to look like that? She has the body and still maintains her boobs. Don't forget there's make-up and editing involved.

Through Myspace chatting and through recent conversation with fellow blogger Sue, I realise that I was fortunate enough to be "above average" in looks. But the reality is - that's just in photos. Make-up and posing can be deceiving. You can actually make yourself prettier than you are in real life. Underneath all these things, lies a true me. Name it - pimples, cellulite, love-handles etc. I've got them. So what's fair to say that I'm pretty, hot, etc when you don't know the real me? Take them off and I'm sure you'll be running the opposite direction.

Even though I may sit here now yapping away about being imperfect, I, myself, still judge others by appearence. I mean my head still turns for the hottest guy on the street, though I still know that he maybe a cold hearted bastard on the inside. We won't know what the person is really like until you take the time to know the other person and see past beyond all things physical.

This issue has affected me in so many levels now that I'm just basically sick of being told of who I am. I'm not blind and I can see I'm "bigger" than an average Asian women. In high school I was bullied because I was fat, with peers joking that I was "pregnant" and was mistaken for a pregnant woman. That left a scar still somewhere in me though I don't show it. With that I mustered up my will power and actually went too far. I became an anorexic. I would refuse to eat breakfast and lunch and only going for dinner which consisted of half a bowl of whatever was cooked. I lost 13kg in 3 months. Not that healthy, I know. I was constantly sick with my thyroid glands swollen. I thought I was gonna die. Like all anorexic sufferers, I could not see how skinny I had become, though all my family members were getting worried. I would suffer dizzy spells and a constant hunger though I would force myself not to eat.

Imagined what would have happened to me if I went on with it. Not so attractive! I'm happy that my boobs are still there though...

Coming to Australia has drastically changed my life. I was accepted for who I am and with that I let loose of all dieting restrictions I had for myself. In a way, it was bad. I gained 17kg within my 2 and a half years stay. Nevertheless, for once I was happy. I could eat to my heart's content, making up what was lost within my teenage years, without counting calories and how to lose it. It was a glorious 2 years of liberation.

True to Fred's words though, I may have overdone it. High from eating what I want to eat without thinking of the consequences, I now stand overweight. How to lose it now is a problem. I hate exercise, which is a main cause of my problem, only relying on dieting. It has already been 4 years since my last eating disorder and I think it is now returning. Mother is not here to observe my eating habits and I have cut down the portion of food. This way I can still enjoy the things I love best.

As a caution Fred, think wisely before you sputter words out eventhough I know you mean no harm. It's just been depressing lately seeing all these skinny girls strutting around when I'm not one. I am who I am. Thin or fat. Don't you think I want to be skinny like all other Asian girls? Even when I was at my skinniest, I still looked big.

Me and my anorexic days. I might not look skinny there but I was sick.

In the end, I just simply don't know anymore. People tell me that I should love who I am now but they judge me from my looks. And with this I'm sinking deeper and deeper into my hole and my self confidence is slowly going away as I hide behind a mask of make-up fanstasy realm. I just want someone to know me and love me for who I am, inside and out. But until then, I need to regain my confidence in myself. It's totally at it's lowest. Lower than when I was 13. And to make things worse, I popped myself on a scale. Now, that's depressing.